Hi all,
Apologies in advance for the mammoth post but we love context!
I am part of a DIY sports community where we organise fun but challenging competitions. We have an “open” category for everyone and a “women/nb/trans” category for those who identify that way. I’m a cis woman who’s been doing this sport for over a decade and I’m thrilled that there’s a category for me and that I get to compete with my awesome friends, some of whom are trans and nb.
Recently as part of a sports jamboree there was a contest to measure power output and I came second to my friend who is a trans woman. She won because I’m older than her and pretty unfit at the moment! It’s motivated me to get fit and spank her ass next year! We often train together and get on really well. Let’s call her Amy.
Another cis woman in the community - let’s call her Beth - messaged me to ask how the jamboree went and I mentioned that Amy has won the power contest. Beth immediately remarked that it’s because Amy is a “biological male”, and I said no it’s because she’s just better than me. I asked Beth not to use transphobic language around me and she lost it. Amongst other things she said:
- there’s nothing transphobic about acknowledging a clear biological advantage, that actually it’s more transphobic to not acknowledge this
- that she was just giving me a logical reason as to why I didn’t win (I wasn’t looking for one!)
These comments have really upset me and I’m at a loss as to how to reason with her. We are a small category and I want to keep the peace to avoid awkwardness but I’m not going to just let this slide. It really bothers me that she’s trying to weaponise “science and facts” and even using language like “biological male” which is so terf-coded. Beth is also fairly loud and proud in these views and doesn’t seem to think they’re a problem as they’re “backed by science”. Amy had confided in me recently that she feels very uncomfortable when Beth goes off about this because she’s very sweet and nice to Amy’s face. Beth also refuses to race in our category because she doesn’t feel it’s fair to compete against “biological men”, which feels like a big fuck you to the event organisers who have made the effort to include everyone and offer equal prizes, which is not that common in our sport. Beth is clearly missing the point that wheeling out the “science” is triggering to Amy’s gender dysphoria and that speculating on Amy’s genitals is just really weird and not appropriate. It’s also just very unkind to have such a strong opinion about something that is none of her business when it could really hurt someone’s feelings. It also takes away from Amy’s win and all her hard work.
Apologies for the rather long preamble but I feel like I am going crazy. Am I being oversensitive? Is just using the term “biological male” to refer to a trans woman transphobic in itself, even if Beth does not fear or dislike Amy? How on earth do I reason with her? I also see a lot of myself in Beth: when I was young and in the sport, outnumbered by men, I was loud and opinionated about everything because I wanted to take up space. Thankfully my stupid opinions were fairly harmless and did not involve me calling other people’s identities into question. I am mercifully older and wiser now, hence my desire to de-escalate this situation and diffuse tension.
My current approach has been to leave Beth on read but I’m going to run into her later this month at a competition and she will come and confront me about this.
tl;dr - my cis friend explained a sports win by a trans friend by calling them a “biological male” and was upset when I asked them to not use transphobic language. How do I reason with her?
Thank you!
Anonymous, exhausted sports nerd