u/CincoDeLlama

TLDR: it’s life events, not age that trigger a midlife crisis. They can turn out good, mine did.

First of all, you can have a midlife crisis in your 30s. Mine was: having MS symptoms (not being able to feel my legs), being diagnosed with MS, a month later - 1/5 of my hometown being burned down in the middle of the night, my dad continuing to say increasingly bizarre things and my mom acting like nothing was wrong, the pandemic.

Right before my grandmother died, my mom and aunt stopped talking. My mom was not in reality. She kept blaming my aunt for various things. We lived on the other side of the country. My mom hadn’t seen her mom in 5 years. The last conversation they had was my aunt saying, “I can’t take this anymore.” And hanging up. I was very thankful she called me. I got to tell my grandmother I loved her. Even though, because the pandemic, I couldn’t be there. My grandmother was like my mom. Our family described us as, “two peas in a pod.” We were both mischievous pranksters.

Before the pandemic my parents and I would go out to eat on Friday nights, I’m an only child. During the pandemic I started bringing food to them. My dad had a stroke maybe a year or 2 before. He was unsteady. I know he fell once on the stairs in the house. And they had tile floors. My mom was a hoarder. She wouldn’t (I’m increasingly thinking couldn’t, just because of her own psychological issues) clean up the house and make it safe for dad. She wouldn’t let me help either.

Keeping an already too long story a bit shorter, my dad and I ended up moving in together. My mom was furious and continued to undermine me. So now I have one senile, blind, AFIB, catheter-using parent, and one insane parent. This is life. If you’ve ever taken care of an elderly person, you’ll understand. You don’t always know when someone loses the capability to do something on their own. My dad got a UTI (also, fun fact, in older adults they present like severe, sudden, dementia). He got put on antibiotics. I thought he was still capable of managing his pills, WRONG. We lived in a duplex with an adjoining door (which was awesome, highly recommend) so when my mom was over, I’d lock the door so she couldn’t come over. One night she discovered he had taken all of his antibiotics in one night. Rather than call the medical advice line or tell me or even doing nothing would have been better than what she did. She took the empty pill bottle and left. Next morning, I’m checking in with my dad… where’s the pill bottle? He shrugs. One hour on my hands and knees. Going into impossible places (but with dementia, you don’t know what they may have been thinking so the impossible becomes possible). Mom comes in. And I say to her I can’t find dad’s pills and she said oh this? And pulled the empty bottle out of her purse. I was horrified. The reason she was there was because my dad had a virtual doctor appointment that morning. As soon as the visit started I quickly told the doctor what had happened and he was concerned. My mom was still like on another planet.

Fast forward again. My dad is in assisted living, on hospice care, 6’1, 120lbs, in and out of consciousness. My mom gives him too much water and he aspirates. She didn’t tell me this, the care home did. I came over immediately and my dad looked like he was in agony. I could hear him trying to cough it up but he couldn’t. I called hospice. They advised morphine & was sending a nurse up. My mom wouldn’t let my dad have morphine. Fortunately, I was his medical power of attorney and felt comfortable just lying to her and telling her it was cough syrup. Hospice nurse came. Put my mom in her place & then my mom denied everything. I encouraged my mom to leave knowing she only makes situations worse. I told her I was going to leave so as to not get into a power struggle and she said she was staying so, ok. About an hour later (bless this care home, truly) I get a call from them that my dad was actively dying and my mom called 911. I had to intervene and let my dad die. While my mom was telling the paramedics I had stolen all of these things from her and how I wrecked their marriage, etc. etc.

Then she tries to be friends with me. She keeps texting me and I’m slow to respond because of the above. Finally, she sent me a sort of victim-y message and I finally said it. I told her she seems to think I’m a horrible person so why would she want to be around me? She sent me a text message back that was so long it opened in the notes app. I’ve never seen anything like it. All of the reasons I’m a horrible person. Then, a couple of shorter texts. One being, “and I don’t think you’re a horrible person.” Followed by, “take care of yourself.” I never messaged back.

Then I moved across the country close to my mom’s family. Tell me that’s not a midlife crisis. None of that was the trigger. That was just the kindling. The spark. The match. My boss telling me I had to come in person to work when I had a fully remote medical accommodation signed by HR. Yes, remember in the background of all of this, I still have MS. I was maxed out it on sleep meds. I was legally mediating to get through all of this. Going to therapy. Then HR told me I wasn’t their employee. It’s a weird public sector thing, and I know it sounds unbelievable because it is because it wasn’t true. When did I find that out for certain? For absolutely certain my analysis was correct? When I talked to an EEOC intake agent shortly after I started my new job. “Whose name is on your paycheck? Whose name is on your W2? Then that’s your employer.” And it was such validation after months of thinking this doesn’t make sense, what am I missing that our VP of HR who makes twice my salary sees? Yeah. I was afraid of unilaterally losing my job over this. It was time to jump.

2.5 years later I can safely say I landed safely. Moving back was the best decision of my life. I get excited every day being here. I’m in a happy, healthy, relationship. I’m still having remote accommodation issues at work but, I’m applying for lots of other jobs and just had a finalist interview today. After what I went through before I moved though, I’ve been handling this a lot better. I know my strength. I know when I need help. I have coping techniques that work for me. I got into stoicism. Memento mori is really impactful. I got interested in Buddhism. I learned how to be comfortable with who I am. I figured out my values, what’s important to me, how do I want to conduct myself to be able to live with myself. And again, truly, I found what works for me. I hope you are fortunate enough to find what works for you.

Supervisor and work from home