Sharing to maybe feel less alone at this time
I rarely post in this subreddit , but given the intensity of emotions I’m feeling at this juncture of my life, I just wanted to share and maybe connect with others who have similar, broken families. It’s been getting me down lately for obvious reasons…
I’m expecting a baby in late June, and outside of my partner and my aunt, I feel absolutely alone. I am currently estranged from my mother and father. Both of them are emotionally juvenile and are so toxic that keeping any semblance of a relationship with them would do more emotional harm than good.
My mother, the queen narcissist who I have been estranged from for over three years, has shown zero capacity for reconnection during my pregnancy - no text, no email, no phone call. We had a wicked argument that led to a complete falling out. To keep things simple and not go in to the countless instances of abuse I endured growing up, by the age of twenty or so she had all of my shit in trash bags and I was out the door. My aunt at the time was in no Place to take me in, I was about to start a very stressful degree, and so I went off to go live with an older man who became somewhat of a surrogate father. Anyway, this man - although inappropriate in terms of age discrepancy , became a life line for me and helped me get back on my feet and finish a very difficult and demanding college degree. I was lucky to have him and the safety he offered.
Years later, as I have gained my stability, I did my best to perhaps befriend my mother and start a new chapter. It wasn’t until she asked me to help her with her mortgage ( use my name and credit ) that I felt an intense amount of anger and pain. Foolishly I still wanted so badly for her to at least apologize - at least admit where she may have been wrong in the past- but all I was met with was extreme gaslighting and hostility. I was, in her eyes, psychologically damaged, and everything true that I recalled- from the time she gave me a blue eye and I had to go to school with it covered up, to the time she legitimately threw me out of the house - was in her eyes, a lie. It never happened. that was the last and final straw, for me, to have made space in my life for someone who was simply delusional and more interested in preserving a fake exterior than having any kind of genuine relationship.
Having a child was a big step for me, for a number of emotional reasons. I have had to support myself from a very young age and have done things for the most part, alone. People - colleagues, friends, continue to ask me about whether or not I have familial supports - and I don’t. These kinds of questions don’t make it emotionally easier.
I revealed the news to my half sister during the winter time, and while we were chatting over text message my mother was certainly present. I had told my sister she could simply call or text and I would respond - instead, I was met with silence and a trite “ best of luck to you “ as a message. It is beyond disgusting, and my grandmother, who panders to her the way she panders to her abusive husband , has finally had it within her to admit the new low my mother has stooped to.
I guess it doesn’t matter if I post this or not, or that it exists. It was relieving to have written it, and maybe you - someone else who has the experience of having narcissistic family members can relate to the cruelty, the awfulness, the fraudulence that accompanies such a disorder. I just feel so alone in this, and so resentful … even so many years later after I have carved out a little life.