u/CigarettesAndConsent

I was scrolling and came across a post by someone who literally said that they are non Muslim and looking for advice on marriage. To my surprise, the post was received well, lots of upvotes, and most of the comments were supportive and understanding. I genuinely have no problem with that btw.

However, I saw another post where someone from a Western background asked whether it’s possible for people to live together before marriage. From their perspective, marriage is simply a legal commitment. But their post was badly received, many down votes, and the comments were mostly dismissive, almost treating the question itself as an attack.

Ironically, this post here might also be viewed as an attack. But if we can step back and try to understand why this happens, I think in the first case, even though the post was from non Muslim, it still fell within social norms (asking for marriage). The latter however, was simply outside those norms(living together without marriage).

Another good example is Ramadan. Obviously, it’s a religious duty to fast, but it also has strong social ties. and that's why, you might not pray or pay zakat, and largely it goes unnoticed or unchallenged. But it’s much harder not to fast or even say that you don't publicly. and there are many other examples like this.

It seems to me that social norms often have more influence than religion. You can break religious rules, or even be non Muslim, and not face as much backlash as when you go against what is socially accepted. It’s just that these two often align, which makes it easier for us to pin it all on religion.

I’m curious what u guys think, do u agree, or do u see it differently?

I’m curious how this usually works. When you meet someone online anonymously, how long do you wait before asking for pics (if at all), or before meeting in real life?

Is it okay to ask early on, or does that come across as too pushy? Just wondering what’s considered normal in this situation

If you weren’t religious and had abundant resources, would you choose marriage? Or would you instead have multiple meaningful relationships over the course of my life, not necessarily shallow one night stands, since I don’t think those are good for you, but rather several long-term connections.

I genuinely believe that might be how it’s supposed to be. Not for everyone, ofc some people are perfectly fulfilled with one lifelong relationship. But if I’m being honest, I think for most people (men at least), it feels less like a choice and more like a necessity, cause of social norms and lack of resources, while ideally they would want to experience different partners across different phases of their life.

As you grow older, you change, you learn, your priorities shift, and if you’re committed to self-improvement and growth, you can almost become a different person over time. Because of that, staying with one person forever can feel unrealistic, it lead to stagnation or even misery. Sometimes it seems better to part ways and keep meaningful memories, rather than remaining in a lifeless, unfulfiling marriage.

Hell, i think even if you are religious, something similar could be done, you simply don't get married legally, but instead marry only according to the religion, then you can either have multiple partners at the same time if you want or divorce without the legal constrain.

Be brutally honest would You really want marriage?

I just wanted to say that the mods here have been really good. They actually believe in free speech, not some fake BS, So far I’ve seen both religious posts, anti religious posts, even controversial or taboo topics being allowed and that’s honestly refreshing. I'm sure they are not perfect but overall I'm impressed.

So I just wanted to say thank you guys. Respect.

Earlier I posted something about “how often do dating couples have sex?” It may seem controversial, but between friends I guarantee almost everyone asks these kinds of questions at some point.

Anyway, the point I was getting at is a juxtaposition that I find really interesting. On one hand, I know more guys than I can count who had sex before marriage, and in almost all cases it wasn’t with someone they were in a relationship with or even cared whether he will live or die. To them, while they know it’s not okay and that it’s haram, they justify it with things like urges and the same old reasoning.

But the weirdest justification is about the status of the person they did it with (97). In other words, to them it’s not only that all sex outside marriage is the same, but that transactional or casual sex is treated the same as a couple who may have been in a committed relationship for years.

In there mind, as long as there’s no marriage paper, it’s all the same. In fact, they might even see the transactional casual case as 'less bad' since it was just once and done. Isn’t that insane? Isn’t that, as a microcosm, reflecting the whole society? You might say I’m exaggerating, but hear me out.

sex, like it or not, is an essential part of what makes society function, It reflects what we value. Many of our motives and behaviors, and mindsets all stems from how we view it. And if you think a piece of paper, an outward proof, is what ultimately justifies the reality of a relationship, that says a lot.

Maybe we end up valuing things for appearances instead of what’s actually right. marriage is supposed to recognize and formalize a real bond, commitment, and responsibility not magically create a bond where none exists.

Unless you really understand this very idea on a deep level you'll never really get the concept of (your right hand possess), maybe for next time...

PS: I'm not encouraging sex outside of marriage nor saying religion doesn't matter, this is for these who can think for themself beyond the surface.

How often do you think couples have sex? Obviously I’m not talking about married couples here...
Because there’s really no reliable way to know, except through personal or circumstantial knowledge. Obviously there’s a strong incentive for people to lie on both sides.

From my experience, I could be wrong but i think people overestimate how much sex couples are having. I think flirting happens much more, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.

At the same time what's interesting is, people actually underestimate how many guys are actually having sex, but not necessarily with their partner, and I notice that a lot.

But when it comes to couples specifically, I’m still not sure. What you guys think?

Do you believe a partner has the right to know how much money you earn/have, or does it depend on the level of commitment, such as dating versus a committed relationship?

This reflection is for people who don’t think in black and white, If asked you between two women, one in a bikini and the other wearing a hijab, who would get harassed more, or even just attract more attention, most of you would probably say, of course, the one in a bikini. I’d say not necessarily. Let me explain.

You see a woman in a bikini on a beach somewhere in Europe, she wouldn’t get that much attention unless she somehow stands out.
It could be through gestures or something else, but if she is respectful and minding her own business, no one would bother her.

However, another woman wearing a hijab could be in a mall somewhere here in Algeria, and depending on how she carries herself, her attitude, subtle insinuations she might attract a lot of attention, even harassment.

It may seem illogical, and it may sound like I’m against the hijab. I’m really not, it’s simply an observation that, once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

We’ve all been in crowded places where a woman who is 'sifillizi' but carrying herself with dignity and purpose, is somehow ignored, no one dares to say a comment. Strange, I know. While another, even if she covers her face, but by the way she carry herself, her walks and her overall presence might invite harassment.

Maybe after all 'showing beauty/modesty' is almost an act, an attitude beyond just clothes.

I’m not excusing it, again, just an observation...

Feel free to disagree.

Once, I was talking with a friend when the topic of marriage came up, i said 'I’m not sure about marriage', he looked at me confused, and said 'What do you mean?'

I tried to explain.

To me, there are two kinds of commitments, a legal one, and a moral one, a written contract doesn’t make an agreement real, it just formalizes it, it exists so strangers can cooperate safely, it allows people who don’t fully know or trust each other, to act with some sense of security. The law acts as a neutral referee when trust is limited.

But when two adults agree in good faith, when they truly mean what they say and intend to honor it, that is already a real contract, even without paper.

And here’s the real issue, the terms of a legal marriage are not written by the people entering it. They are predefined by the state.

Let me give an example, If I sell you my house, we agree on a price, and you pay me, then I later exploit a legal loophole to take the house back while keeping the money, perhaps I could justify it legally in some situations, but morally, it would be wrong, It would be a betrayal. The spirit of the agreement would have been broken.

That’s why people sometimes make agreements outside the law, but only with those they truly know and trust. but never with a stranger.

So when I think about marriage in its legal form, I can’t help but see it as something designed to guarantee commitment where trust alone is not be enough. Not because commitment itself needs the law, but because the law provides a referee for those who cannot rely entirely on trust.

This may be awkward, but I genuinely mean it as a serious question.

Some people claim that sexual compatibility is something that goes beyond emotional closeness or simply getting along, especially in marriage, they say it is not just about openness and communication, but that there is also a kind of physical compatibility between people.

Do you think this is a real thing, or is it exaggerated?

Genuine question, i know it may seem passive aggressive, but it really isn’t...

Why do we as a culture seem to prefer a lack of aesthetics? We don’t only tolerate it, but in some cases prefer it. Is it because we think it makes things more 'real'? Is it the evil eye? is it somehow related to our past? Or is it because we grow up being taught that beauty doesn’t really matter? I mean, if you look at other places, they cherish beauty, but we somehow don’t.

But even our religion encourages beauty (although maybe it’s not emphasized enough). I’m really trying to understand why ?