I haven't spoke to my mother in 6 months because she will not apologize for screaming at me when I tried to clean her kitchen
I discovered this subreddit this week and after reading your posts, I realized that my parents are 100% narcissists and I don't know how to deal with it internally.
I don't want to rant too much but in general how are you dealing with this pure white anger? Almost every second day of my life is ruined because I think of my parents how they didn't care about me.
How many of you were in the situation where:
my dad was not present. Sure he provided but apart doing the basic stuff he never took me to play ball, to the cinema or any sporting event. He never enlisted me to play any sports, never drove me anywhere. He changed jobs and me and my whole family we traveled from country to country with him(so never had any friends because I changed schools every 4 years). He spent all his free time reading articles, books, watching TV and that's it. Never ever he was interested in setting me up for success. He never had any friends, it was always him, tv and family.
speaking of success, my parents pushed me to go into political science. I did my master in this and yeah that's it. There's no job for someone with a master like that. Compared to my SO, their parents paid for sports, paid for extra classes, paid 250k for med school, bought an apartment and first car. Me? I got nothing of sorts.
when I was a kid, I never got braces, never got my scoliosis fixed, never been to an optometrist, never ate healthy. It's just when I finally left home at 18 I was able to go to a gym, lose weight, fix my teeth, buy glasses. Scoliosis is now unfortunately not fixable and I have sciatica.
my mom was the "prom queen/model type" very sure of herself, always beautiful with an ego floating in the stratosphere. She stopped working at the age of 40 just because. Together with my sibling we were already grown up when she stopped working so she was not a SAHM. She always told "we can afford so I'm not working" so she spent her last 20 years waking up at 10am,drinking coffee and walking the garden. 20 years of lost revenue that could have been a flat, a new house, a down payment.
And it all culminated last year when I lost my meager job to Ai. Im still looking for a job a year later after sending hundreds of resumes but in the meantime I wanted to help however I could. So I decided to clean up my parents basement and to deep clean their kitchen. I visited my parents for a week, spent days rearenging the basement and scraped old grease from the kitchen walls till 4am. The next morning my mother barges in the guest room and screams "WHERE IS MY FAVORITE SPOON I MAKE MY COFFEE WITH". I said that I will look for it but she continued to scream and at one point raised her arm to strike me.
At that moment I said that I'm leaving, packed my bags, and went back to my rental.
It was 6 months ago. My mother still writes to me every other day and I don't respond. Not once she said sorry. Now that I think about it, my mom never said sorry in my life. Anyway.
How do you deal with this anger on how it could have been, or how unjust the world is? I look at my so and i see how their parents wanted for them to succeed and I look at mine and I see nothing. Just 2 old people, without friends, without any family, getting angry at politicians on the TV, blaming everyone but them and never trying to help their kids succeed.
I'm a ball of pure white anger.
Edit: tried therapy with 3 different therapists for 2 years - didn't work and I just lost a lot of money.