u/ChugSter0708

Long time lurker, first time poster here. My boyfriend (32M) and I (30f) are talking about engagement and it has made me reflect on our relationship and specifically how we function day to day.

I’m in a loving, supportive relationship, but through this reflection I’ve realized that even though we split chores, I’m still feel like I'm the default brain in the relationsip. Remembering what needs to be done, planning ahead, keeping a mental list of groceries, coordinating schedules, thinking about upcoming events, etc. It’s not that my partner isn’t willing to help, but I’m the one noticing, and that seems to be the part that never really gets divided. For example, even something like groceries, he’ll happily go, but I’m the one who has to realize we’re out of things, plan meals, make the list, etc. So even when tasks are shared, the responsibility still feels one sided.

From talking to friends (and reading here), this doesn’t seem uncommon, but I don’t think I fully understood how much of a mental load that actually is until recently. We use a lot of tools like google calendar, a to-do list, and splitwise to share expenses, but they all just seem to organize tasks, not fully take anything off of my plate by shifting who is overall responsible for thinking about them.

Because of that, my partner (he's a software engineer) and I started experimenting with a different approach and have been building a really early version of an app for ourselves (my ideas, him building it).

The idea is less about “who does what task” and more about:

• who actually owns different parts of life (like food, finances, scheduling, etc.)
• making the invisible work visible
• reducing the need for one person to remind or manage the other
• awareness of what the other person may be quietly doing
• With a little love and playfulness (we added a daily rose rose thorn bud to keep it light)

It’s very much a work in progress, and I’m honestly not sure if this is actually helpful or if I’m just trying to systematize something that’s more about behavior and communication. So far we’ve used it for a few weeks and actually found it very helpful to add something to a do list, to share a grocery list, to not have to ask “when are you going on that work trip again?”

I’d really love perspective from people here:

• what parts of running a household tend to fall on you even when things look “equal”?
• have you found anything that actually shifts the mental load/ responsibility, not just the tasks?
• what would make something like this feel supportive vs just another thing to manage?

Not promoting anything (it’s not public or polished), just trying to understand if this way of thinking actually reflects how people experience this