it’s been over ten years since the thing that broke me happened. but to be honest, it doesn't feel like ten years. for me, it feels like it's still happening every single day.
i can't work a normal job anymore. i’ve tried everything to find some peace—reading, walking for miles, seeing doctors, meds—but nothing really fixes the fact that i’m just… stuck. the hardest part is talking to people who went through the same thing back then. they’ve all moved on. they’re living their lives, they’re okay now. it makes me feel like a glitch in a world where everyone else is running perfectly.
the only thing that has ever really reached me is sound. i’ve spent years obsessing over emotional, heavy music, listening to the same loops thousands of times just to feel something that matches the weight in my chest.
eventually, i started trying to shape my own sounds on my computer. not because i’m a musician or anything, but because i was desperate to find a frequency that actually sounded like the mess inside my head. when you craft something based on your own pain, it hits differently. it’s the only time i feel like someone (even if it’s just me) actually understands what i’m going through. i just keep listening to these same few tracks i made, over and over, because the "real" world just feels too loud and too fast for me.
does anyone else feel like they’re just waiting for a version of themselves that’s never coming back?