So, AITAH for going minimal contact with a very close friend because she refuses to leave her husband?
We’ve been friends for over 25 years. There’s about a 10-year age gap between us—she’s now in her mid-40s.
She met this man right after my husband and I got married(20 yrs ago). I didn’t know him, but from what I heard, I didn’t like him. He’s an alcoholic, and that’s been a constant issue.
Life pulled us in different directions for a while—I had a baby and was settling into married life, while she was still going out and partying. We stayed loosely in touch through Facebook.
About 10 years ago, they got married.
Not long after that, she got pregnant, which honestly surprised me because I didn’t think she wanted kids. But I was really happy for her. We reconnected during her pregnancy, and I went to her baby shower.
That’s when I found out her husband was in jail.
She told me it was related to DWIs and something involving a gun, but I later learned the truth from her best friend: while drunk, he pointed a gun at her and threatened to kill her and her unborn baby. Neighbors heard and called the police, which is why charges were filed even though she didn’t want them to be.
He was in jail for over a year.
During that time, we became very close again. We talked every day. I supported her through the pregnancy, was in the delivery room when her daughter was born, and babysat for months while she worked. I love that child like she’s my own. During this time she (my friend) had horrible anxiety, most likely PTSD, which meant a multitude of early morning/late night phone calls and mad dashes to her house to get her through panic attacks.
When he got out of jail, she told me he wouldn’t be coming back—but she let him move back in anyway because he “had no where to go”. That was my first major issue.
I met him once, a few days after he got out of jail. He waited till we were alone and thanked me for helping her, and I told him directly: I don’t like you, I will never trust you, and if you hurt them, I will take you down. That’s the only conversation we’ve ever had.
Since then, it’s been a constant cycle:
• He drinks and goes on benders.
• Something bad happens (car crash, fights, hospital stays, etc.).
• She takes him back.
At one point, he left for months to live with another woman, drinking the whole time. She still took him back. He doesn’t have a license, continues to drink, and repeatedly puts himself—and indirectly them—in dangerous situations.
Their daughter is now 8 years old.
Recently, my friend told me she was finally done. He had scared her during an argument, so she packed up and left with her daughter to stay somewhere safe(that she could’ve stayed as long as she needed). I supported her the entire time. Friends got her in touch with a lawyer (for free) to help and I offered all free babysitting/getting the kid to school and back, etc. Anything she needed.
Two days later, she went back to the house because “I need my house, we needed to be home”. Apparently, he had taken some of his things and left so he was not there.
A day later I texted asking how things were going. That’s when she texted he “had no where to go and just needed a place to sleep,” so she let him back again.
That was my breaking point.
I’ve dealt with abusive relationships before—with friends and family—and I will go above and beyond to help someone get out. But I cannot keep watching her let this man back into the house with her child.
And her daughter absolutely knows what’s going on. She’s 8. This is her normal now.
What makes it harder is that my friend openly says she doesn’t love him. There’s no affection. She doesn’t even like him-he disgusts her. So I genuinely don’t understand why she keeps letting him come back.
At this point, I feel like I need to step back for my own mental health. I’m not cutting her off completely—I’ll respond if she reaches out—but I can’t keep being actively involved while she continues this cycle.
So… am I the asshole for going minimal contact, or is it reasonable to step back and wait until she’s truly ready to leave for good?