Having to tell everyone the word holds trauma for me.
Firstly, I asked one of my friends not to use it around me and they said we don't have to be friends if I'm bothered by it.
When my black friends use the word I ask politely they not say it with/around me. Few are respectful, even though they might not understand why. It's almost like some are offended or confused as to why I don't want to hear it.
The friend's of mine that are mostly confused, I've noticed tend to be lighter mixed people. People who have said as much they experience little to no racism in their lives. I have been through awful experiences throughout my life when it comes to racism.
Getting bullied using that word is where a lot of it comes from. As well as the deep and long history and suffering attached to it. It holds so much trauma, fear, and anxiety for me even when I hear it casually. Especially from my friends, who I hold dear.
It feels like maybe I'm over reacting to them, or they don't get it. Truly, I don't understand why people esp other black people are still being confused as to why another black person might not want to hear that shit. Like use your brain? I'm sorry my shitty grammar I'm jus rlly overwhelmed rn. Am I over reacting? I don't get what I'm doing wrong. Why do some people get offended if I ask?