My boyfriend (28M) and I (27F) have been dating for 6 years. I recently moved into his apartment as we have been together for a long time & talking about engagement, marriage, and naturally wanting to spend more time together.
Unfortunately, for as long as I can remember, he has had episodes- from telling me I’m the love of his life, talking about marriage, saying I’m the best person in the world, talking about ring sizes, everyone else is boring except for me, saying he’s so glad to be in my arms at the end of every work day, to wanting to discard me and not be around me for extended periods of time all within 24 hours.
This distance is always enforced by him, he decides the length and he’s always the one who decides when it ends.
These cycles are normally around the same times of year every year (around Christmas and the beginning/end of Spring), but it seems the older we get & the longer he refuses to seek treatment, the longer and WORSE he lashes out. I feel like I am at these times dealing with two different people entirely.
My bestfriend is gone. It feels like he is on a path to hurt me as much as possible emotionally and take back everything he knows we’ve shared. It always starts the same, he is the most committed he’s ever been and loves me and wants to give his all to this and us. A long, extended period of this attitude from him is how I moved-in in the first place (I guess I do and should have known better, still don’t, I guess).
Then, I see him each day little-by-little somehow start to devalue me and our life and see me as the enemy. We can have beautiful months and weeks if I don’t have needs or bring up any conflict or disagreements. I can see his irritation and cycling begin to start again as soon as he feels slighted by me in any way (it can be something as simple as asking him to please take out the trash more often or if we can have a catch up day to focus on bills and responsibilities, he will hold a grudge).
He talks to me with 0 emotion and his eyes are dark, but he will act as if everything is fine if I question. Then one day, he will just pop and want to be done with our relationship altogether. He, each and every time, claims he has been feeling this way for some time.
I am always gobsmacked & left heartbroken because this is the same man who said I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and his bestfriend the night before. How? If I question him why he said any of that, he says he did it “just to make me happy.”
Because of this, I have felt more and more emotionally unsafe the more these episodes ramp up. It makes me so much more angry and hurt in day to day life, and so much more often feeling down and sad and panicked. So much more likely to fight. So much more likely to set him off.
I feel scared about housing (as we now live together), and he feels he can kick me out or give me a certain amount of time to pack my things and find somewhere to go. When we are stable, it’s our place and he runs me a bath and thanks me for keeping it so nice. When he is pissed, it’s get the f*ck out. When I refuse to leave and ask if we can just take space and discuss this as adults in a relationship, he flees to his family home in a different state and sends me awful text messages telling me I better be out before he gets back.
Every time he comes back, it’s “I missed being in your arms.” “I needed a hug from you so badly.” “I’ll never say anything like that ever again.”
He cannot even acknowledge something is wrong. Me suggesting something is wrong is a huge insult to him. I feel myself starting to lose myself completely. I don’t even feel like I have tools or strength to come up with a Step One for myself.
I feel like I will never be safe here. Yet, I feel find myself clinging to him when he is stable and wanting to try. I have so much love for him. How can I protect myself? How can I love him and still make sure I’m okay? What safety can I set up for myself to make sure I’m good even when he does come crashing down? Thank you for reading.