Yesterday at my brother’s graduation, my dad called me by my maiden name in front of everyone. Later, when we got home for lunch, I tried to talk to him about it.
I told him, “You called me by my maiden name earlier,” and that “that’s not my name anymore.” I explained that it hurts because it feels like he’s trying to discount my husband as my family. I’m 27, married, and my husband and I are trying to grow our family.
I was very direct, but I never yelled or insulted him. I just asked him not to call me by my maiden name anymore. Instead, he got very offended and said me not wanting to be called by his last name offended him.
My mom told me I should see it from his perspective because he’s called me by my maiden name for two decades. My parents think my dad has the right to be upset at me for bringing it up. My dad spent the rest of the night frowning at me whenever I entered a room. I ended up going home early because the situation became much bigger than I wanted.
I feel like if not using his last name offends him, he should understand why I feel hurt when my actual last name isn’t used. My family thinks I’m being unreasonable for bringing it up at all and "starting drama."
Why I think I might be the ah: I told my dad I didn’t want to use his last name and because my family feels I was being 'unreasonable' by bringing it up during my brother's special day instead of letting it go.
Edit / FAQ for context:
Was it a public scene? No. I ignored the comment at the graduation and waited until we were in private at home to speak with him calmly. I didn't "ruin" my brother's day.
Is it just a "slip of the tongue"? No. He has a pattern of not respecting my married life. He intentionally uses my maiden name on Facebook tags and has openly complained about my husband and my relationship with my in-laws. This was the first time he outwardly said it but it’s not the first thing that’s happened.
What exactly was the conflict? When I asked him to use my real name, he didn't apologize. He said, "You know that’s offensive to me, right?" because I didn't hyphenate. He feels my name change is an attack on him.
Why was he using the name? He was calling out to get my attention because I hadn't seen his texts. He didn't just slip up; he shouted my full maiden name to get me to look over.
What exactly did he say? When I talked to him privately later, his response to me was, “so?” and “You know that’s offensive to me, right?” referring to me not using his last name anymore.
Many of you have asked about my dad being upset about me switching to my husbands name and I think it’s just that I didn’t hyphenate because that’s what everyone else is doing. He has complained about my husband and doesn’t like when I spend time with my in laws who I treat as my own parents as well.