Background: Im in the military (aircraft mechanic), he is a civilian. He moved out here August 2024 so he will have been out here in Cali for 2 years this August. Im 21F, he is 23M. Originally from East Coast. He has 3 years experience in Tree Service + went to welding school straight out of highschool. Has had trouble finding a job , he has applied to a lot. Im the sole provider making 32,000$ ish a year. He had a “gig” last year for about 5 months, making just enough to cover our groceries maybe twice a month. He quit because his boss was an a-hole.
Ive had multiple conversations with him about getting a job. When he first came out here, he didnt have a job for about 3 months, and I was okay with it. I was like “okay he worked hard for the past three years, he gets a little break, im okay with it”. After that, I was like okay, this aint gonna work. You need to have a job and Im really struggling with savings and rent and bills.
Did Walmart Spark for a bit, then he got the 5 month gig, then quit. I was like okay, your boss was an A-hole so I understand. He doesnt want to get a job because we are gonna go home for christmas for two weeks. Okay, understandable.
Keep in mind, about once a month I bring up to him that Im struggling, and this is really hard for me. Id never completely leave my husband because he is out of a job for a few months, maybe even 4-6 months. Its hard, but I wouldnt up and leave.
Now its May 2026, no job. From about end of March-Now, Ive found 3 instances of P0rn on his phone. All of the times I wasnt even looking for it. Once I needed to see a pic of some personal information that he had so i could type it in on my phone while looking at his phone (i couldnt copy and paste the info), and boom. I screenshot of some naked women getting fck3d. And whatever. I dont like to go through phones because its privacy but sometimes im just like wow dude. So i told him last week if youre going to do ts can you at least be smart and delete the evidence so i dont get pissed?
Like Ive said, Ive brought up the struggle multiple times to him, at least once a month. Its always “I know, I need to be better.” I told him at the beginning of March “Hey, military offers free certifications for spouses, you should look into it” he says “okay, I will”. Then doesnt until I brought it up i think last week or two weeks ago.
Instead of getting frustrated with him two weeks ago, i really tried to approach it like im not coming at him. So i asked him, “what are your long term goals?”
He says “To have my own tree business.”
and I say “Okay, what age do you see yourself having a tree company?”
He says “26-27”… He is 23 right now.
So i say “Okay, if you arent going to have a job right now, do you know anything about having a business and all the licenses you need, what are you expectations of me while you have this business, all those things like that. If you arent going to have a job right now, you need to be learning how to startup a business or further your education.”
He says “Okay, youre right. Its just hard for me I miss the East Coast, I dont like California. I think Im depressed” and im like “Okay, well i think we should get some therapy then”
Okay boom, the next day, He tells me some of the research hes done on the certifications, okay cool. Im happy.
The next day I think he does a little more “research” and Im like okay, we are progressing. After that, havent heard anything else about it.
Every time Ive brought the job/education thing up, this is what he does. Tells me what he researched about it for a day or two, then i never hear anything about it again until a couple weeks later when i tell him “Hey, we are struggling. I get out of the military next year and im doing all of the saving for the trip that we have to make across the country. Im paying for everything dude, I really need you to step up.”
It feels like its just been a cycle. Im at a loss. I told him the other day “You arent just my husband, you are your own person and I want you to be successful. But now im going to take a step back because I cant convince you to want something for yourself, you have to do that.”
I miss my fckin family too. Im stuck in a job thats extremely physically demanding, i also hate my job. I dont love living in california (I do try to be optimistic though, because one day I will miss seeing the mountains). I dont make excuses. I am pursuing my associates degree right now because I refuse to get out of the military with no plan and nothing to show for it. Thats my goal. I dont even have a crazy goal, I just dont want to be a homeless veteran so I have to use everything I can to make sure Im at least a little prepared when I get out.
Also, he does do chores around the house. But not that frequently. I believe that if you dont have a job, and you arent doing school, you need to keep the house at least slightly clean. Most of the time we take turns cooking dinner, if I have had a really hard and long day he will cook dinner for us.
But a lot of the times I will come home and theres nasty azz dishes in the sink and hes on the couch, on his iPad. It irks my soul.
Its just really hard for me. I grew up in a house where both my parents worked, they both had goals. All my husband has given me are excuses. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this, because we are a young couple plus i dont have many friends.
And not to mention, the p0rn that ive seen it just is like a slap in the face because here I am paying for everything, trying to motivate you to want something in life, giving you resources to help find jobs, giving you resources to pursue your education, LOOKING for jobs for YOU during my lunch at work, and then theres my husband who will jerk off to girls who arent me in MY designated spot on the couch 🙄 its just really a slap in the face and it hurts me.
We have had this conversation multiple times, nothing comes of it. I tell him that he really is complacent right now, the only person who will advocate for yourself is you. If i could walk up into the jobs and tell them that “hey, hire my husband hes a great guy” I would, but i cant.
It also sucks because his brother and his wife just got here yesterday and are staying for two weeks in our place, so I have to pretend that Im happy.
Im thinking of waiting until July to bring ANYTHING up, and see what he accomplishes on his own. The bar is so low right now that if he just got a quick simple CPR certification, Id be happy. If nothing has been accomplished by July, I hate to even be thinking about this, but I think Im going to call his mom and tell her what has been going on with her son because I cant keep pretending like everything is fine. Idk if thats a right move or just telling my husband straight up “you have 30 days to find a job or im flying you home and you can live with your mom because I cant do this anymore”. I dont know.
Im carrying all the weight, also trying to encourage and motivate him, trying to hold myself together. And its really hard. He doesnt treat me bad or anything and I truly love him, but this isnt the same person I started dating.
I dont care about achieving huge goals like becoming an astronaut or a doctor, just something, a simple job, bring in some money to help me out. Have a small goal like getting a certification or something, something that tells me that youre willing and youre at least a little bit driven for something in your life.
I just dont know how to handle something like this, i love him so much but this is really hard. I have no one to talk to.
TL;DR: My husband doesnt have a job and he keeps making excuses.