the diachotomy of loniless and self-isolation
Today I socialised for the first time in a few months. To be honest, the only time before today ws another time a few months ago and before than it had been over a year.
Today I socialised with some people I knew from a few years ago. The experience reminded me why I choose not to see people anymore. People make jokes and ask what I've been up to. The truth is, my life is more empty than they could imagine. I have 0 drive to achieve anything and none of their jokes make me laugh internally. Still, I feel I have no choice to put on a mask and pretend to be someone I'm not, someone capable of feeling normal emotions and being social. It's so draining to pretend to be someone, and it's gotten tot he point where masking is so natural for me, I don't even know how to socialise without it.
Sometimes I test out just being "myself," if there is such a thing, and the reactions I tend to get are people asking me what's wrong, not in a sympathetic way, but more in a "why the fk are you looking at me like that" kind of way.
Anyway, I had no real point to this, just that being alone I normally feel less alone than trying to be like everyone else, and that we isolate for a reason, we're not just stupid. Other people are shallow and almost a different species at times.