I can't change your mind
I can't change your mind no matter how much I want to
I know that I don't know what's best for you. I'm not going to pretend I do. But I'm also not going to pretend your decision doesn't hurt because it does. It hurts so so much
I care about you and you know that but I don't think you understand how much. I care about you so much that, if someone were to erase you from my life like in those time travel movies, it would leave such a huge hole in my heart that I would never be able to fill
Do I wish I didn't care? Yes and no. Yes, I wish I didn't because the pain is unbearable. No, I'm glad I care because atleast I was able to show you that you're more than your mess, mistakes, and failures. More than what everyone labels you (I'd be more specific but then I think you'd be able to figure who I am if I do)
Some would argue that I don't just care about you now but I don't dare use that word because that word carries a lot of weight and baggage. Weight that I am not ready to bare the full brunt of. Baggage that I am not ready to unpack. That word is almost as dangerous as the word "hope", a word that I use too often at the cost of my own heart, a word you don't agree is dangerous
Your life is a mess, that much I know. I will not claim to know the extent of it because I don't. I try to, you know I do, but you're right, I haven't failed or messed up as much as you have so there will be things I don't understand. I do hope, one day, you'll realize that your way of handling things isn't the best for you or the connections you built. You may not have always had a support system but you do have one now. I hope you don't cut yourself off from it, from me
I can't change your mind but God knows how much I pray I could, how much I pray your attachment to me will make you stay. God also knows how much I want to hold onto you, keep you here, but I won't because I don't want you to blame me and I've promised myself that I will no longer hold onto people who wish to go
Oh the irony of a heartbroken atheist who can't help but hold on while her fingers bleed and her heart breaks