Idk why I am posting this
I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to do or where to go. Every new day feels like any other, as if I am stuck in a broken record. I am tired, exhausted, angry, so angry yet not aware of who I’m angry at. Perhaps, I’m angry at myself. I feel like I know it all, yet at the same time, I feel like I know nothing, understand nothing. I look okay in social settings, but my mask has been slowly slipping at home. I can no longer contain my frustrations; I lash out when things do not go my way, and I feel wronged.
I’m not an expressive person, and I do not like depending on others. I hate telling others about my problems, but I’m okay with being there for others. I do not resent others for it; it’s just my nature to keep my problems to myself. It’s always been lonely growing up, even when people surround me.
I was sexually harassed by my cousin (who’s only 2 years older than me) for over 10 years of my life, from when I was 8. My mother was away for work in another state when my aunt came over to take care of me. Her son would come around occasionally, and that’s when it started. Back then, I didn’t know it would go on for so long. I think this has affected a large part of me as I grew up. I never told anyone until years later, when I started therapy.
Even if I went to therapy, it took me more than a year to actually talk to my therapist. I’d often just sit there till our time ran out.
As soon as I somewhat overcame that, my father was diagnosed with cancer and passed away shortly after. Even though I have a strong group of friends, I kept everything to myself. I do believe they helped me a lot just by existing, since I’d often escape my reality when I’d be around them. He passed away during my high school exams, and I have yet to graduate, even though my friends have already started their uni journey. I feel like I am losing a race in life. I cannot focus; nothing I study sticks. I’ve always been a good student; however, I cannot function like I used to. I don’t know if it’s my adhd or my depression that’s affecting my performance. It’s almost like I’ve lost my drive to do anything. I come to terms with the fact that perhaps the reason why I am like this is that I don’t really see myself living that far long.
I have always wanted to die young. I do not wish to have a ‘family’, have a lover, or even children. I simply could not care less. I hate people in my space, I hate people touching me without permission, and I cannot be emotionally vulnerable with others. However, I also saw myself being successful and having somewhat of a fulfilling life by myself. I wanted to die at my happiest but where I am right now, even that seems impossible. I do not want to live as a burden to anyone. I do not want to die a deadbeat. Yet, I still can’t do it.
It hurts me that my mother and I can never look eye to eye. Our opinions and views differ way too much. I know she loves me, but at the same time, it kills me that we just can’t be on good terms. She has her own struggles, and I add onto them. I feel like a burden, I hate it. We fight almost every day, about everything. Especially after my dad’s passing, it’s like we’ve been clashing even more. We have no one other than each other, yet we keep lashing out at each other. My mother has always been and is still very close to my other cousins; they always come to her with all the problems they have. I really can’t seem to figure out why her tolerance seems to dissipate when it comes to me. I hate being shunned every time I’m trying to express myself in any form. It’s been suffocating me.
I’ve gone back to therapy. My therapist has strongly suggested that I see a psychiatrist because my depression keeps getting worse, and I need medication alongside therapy. To be honest, I’m very frustrated that I keep pushing myself down more and more. People who go through much worse can pick themselves up and do better, but I’m stuck in the same place. Why can’t I just get over it and turn over a new leaf?
I don’t know what to expect when I go to the psychiatrist. I have never been medicated, and I’m scared I’ll get worse if I don’t fix myself. I feel broken; it’s tiring.