Advice After Rejecting A Guy From My Friend Group
So I'm going to preface this by saying that I know I behaved immaturely and, while I do not think I'm a horrible person, I'm definitely not the best either.
I got a new job two years ago and ended up joining a new friend group. Mostly guys. Almost all married. Naturally, I kept space between us at all times and made any hang outs public group outings because I have had bad experiences in the past where I've caught massive flack for being "too close" to other girls boyfriends.
I've never cheated or broken up a relationship. But the way those girls behaved gave me enough ick that I'm always really careful now.
Anyway, my friends got tired of me complaining about being single and decided to introduce me to one of their friends.
He's a nice guy and I admit that I was flirty and nice. I was kind of trying really hard, to be honest. Growing up my mom always said I never gave boys enough of a chance. My crushes always died so quickly and I ghosted several one shot dates in college.
I was trying really hard to give this one a chance, especially because he's in the friend group. I don't normally shit where I live, so to speak, because of my tendency to run. I warned our friends about that several times when they suggested it. They insisted it would be fine.
To be honest I don't really find him attractive from the neck up, which is kind of shallow. The more time we spent together the more I found him kind of annoying. Like "I can hang out with you in short spurts but would kill you if we lived in the same house" kind of thing.
I still tried. I kept being flirty. We danced at new years (he was really bad at it, not like unpracticed but like his feet were moving with his arms pinned to his sides. It weirdly annoyed me even with how drunk I was).
I eventually decided it wasn't happening, but by then we'd been out a few times and even my oblivious stupid ass could tell he'd caught feelings.
I was prepared to break it to him, as I have done to all the genuinely nice guys I've broken up with because they deserve better than me ghosting them or a text, but I told one of our mutual friends and he intervened.
He basically said "he's never had a girlfriend and has faced rejection all his life. Let me break it to him gently."
No idea what he said but I can tell the message got across. That guy is distant with me at group hang outs. Like, there is genuine pain on his face.
I actually kind of feel bad about that.
I also never told the friend who intervened (same guy who set us up) why I wanted it to end. They've been friends for like 7 years. I basically just said "it doesn't feel right" no matter how he pressed for more details.
It honestly frustrated me because this, the "you didn't give the guy enough of a chance" is what my mom has always done. It felt like I was in the wrong even though anyone can break up with anyone at any time for any reason. We weren't even really dating!
I was so frustrated that I got kind of mean. Not to my friend group. I have a few unaffiliated girlfriends and my mom that I shit talked nice guy to. I pointed out his flaws and kind of made fun of him to them. One of my girlfriends, my best friend actually, called me on it. I'm glad she did.
But that made me sit down and actually think about all this and realize...I have a fear of commitment and actually like being alone. I also don't owe anybody anything.
At the same time, my guy friend who set us up kind of took a pod shot at me earlier.
I was telling him that one of the employees at the card shop I frequent has started flirting with me so it's time to leave (that store is also losing the price war with another one close to my house so tbh that's the real reason but the flirting is making me uncomfortable) and he said "just act oblivious like you always do."
Is it bad that part of me feels like I deserve that?
Like, I hurt his friend of almost a decade. Kind of led him on and broke it off without a good reason why.
At the same time, I feel like that was uncalled for and don't really want to be around him if he's going to take shots at me like that.
I'm not even sure if it was meant that way or some other way to be honest.
None of this matters. Not really. I've just beat this dead horse with my unaffiliated girlfriends and am already ashamed of being mean even behind his back because he doesn't deserve it.
It's literally just that I decided I don't want a relationship. It's stupid that it took me screwing up like this to realize that.
I'm posting here to get it off my chest because I feel bad and I'm frustrated.
Thanks.