I want to start this off by stating that I beleive I fully understand my issues and what is inherently "wrong" with me. I simply can't stop this from happening and I have no idea how to even go about it. So let's just do this.

I've never been in a relationship before. Not once in my 18 years of life. Beleive me when I say that I haven't ever really tried either. So that could a leader contributor to the lack of relationships. Some I'll give a little backstory to fill anyone reading this in.

I've always been on the overweight side my whole life. I've never been necessarily flirted with. Hell I've never even had the chance at genuine kindness. The only time I can think of was a random encounter at the end of 7th grade when a girl clasped my face into her hands and told me that "I had beautiful eyes". That school year ended and I still don't know where she ended up, all I know is she's gone. Skipping ahead a bit I end up talking to a girl my junior year. Prom is coming up and I need a date so I shoot and and she reciprocates. One thing leads to another and we have a stupidly awkward and bad date that leads to a "just friends" prom that was just as awkward. She kind of led me on by giving signs and hints at prom so my brain immediately thought something had changed. Afterall this was really the only girl I'd ever thought anything of. On top of that she was the only one I got that far with. That almost kept me on an up and down spiral for a month and a half. That culminated with being told that she actually had a crush on my best friend the entire time but had since lost feelings. That sums up my entire experience.

So fast forward to this year. The year went pretty normal and didn't push for anything, or rather, anyone. There is this girl I know but I didn't think I would like in that way. For the most part because I had been friends with her for like 4 years and saw her go through relationship after relationship. She was newly single and I knew she was going through a rough time. So I started to slightly interact with her a little more. Nothing big at all. My awkward self is still too worried to do or say anything because I don't want anyone feeling awkward around me. So I started to include her a bit more than before. One thing leads to another and she adds me on Snapchat. I don't use snapchat like ever so this was a surprise and kind of random. So I accept and we start snapping. No messages, just snaps. Roughly 27 days go by before I break the silence and start adding text to my snaps (woah). Then after 30 some odd days I get preassured into asking her to prom. So I did... over a snap at 10:30pm which wouldn't be answered until 6:30 the next morning. She said yes. Since then we have hung out to a trampoline park for a birthday party of a mutual friend (even gave her a ride). Went to a hockey game (through our school, big class trip). Went to a baseball game (another big class trip). And everytime ended up together and doing stuff. We also had a prom planning outing which was 80% anything but prom and 20% actual prom convo. Felt like an unofficial date of sorts.

So let's take a pause and address the title at hand.

I don't hate my brain. It has given me a lot of good things, a decent intellect is one. However, I really despise the way it works.

The best way to put this is that my brain works like a very well oiled machine. Constantly turning and spinning in every which direction, until one direction hurts more than another. Then whichever direction that is, that hurts the most, my brain will begin to overthink every possible negative outcome relating to that issue. A good example would be watching the girl I'm going to prom with, but not in a relationship with, text some other "guy". I say guy in such a way because I don't know if it's really a guy or not. All I know is that she was texting someone, but my brain instantly hands me the worst possible outcome and I can't break that chain.

After asking her to prom I had a dream of her rejecting me. Opening that snap the next morning was one of the hardest things I ever did. Those are just two examples of what my brain does by taking one piece of unfilled info and filling in the blanks with the worse case scenario. My brain has done this more time then I can remember in the past month alone relating to this girl. Every text, every snap, every interaction is one of the most thrilling and enjoying parts of my day. But after the interaction and during that moment of silence my brain starts pumping the wrong things my way and gets me stressing.

Another thing I am terrified of right now is doing the wrong thing. Not doing enough to pursue a relationship with this girl is a genuine fear of mine. But so is doing too much. So I find myself in this endless cycle of yes I want to talk to her, but what if she thinks I'm weird or something. So I end up doing nothing and instead fill that silence with more overthinking and stress.

I'm also terrified of repeating the situation from last year. That awkward experience that felt like something but was such a facade and bad time overall. I really don't want that to happen again. I am trying my best to not have that happen again.

It just feels like my brain can't do anything but overthink. Since the whole interaction started I've been putting myself down and insisting that I am in a horrible position. I have to constantly ask a friend of mine how things went.

Just felt like I needed to get this off my chest. Even if I didn't explain things very well. It's been a long year nonetheless two months. There is so much more to this that I just can't put into words right now. If you have any questions feel free to ask and I'll answer them. For now, goodbye.