I’m 17M and honestly meri jeene ki icha puri tarah khatam ho chuki hai (u/DarknessinDivine)
Sooo this person ( u/DarknessinDivine or u/MEETHAPAAN1 ) wanted to make a post but didnt hv enough karma... I'm posting on his behalf, and dude if u read this, DONT TAKE ANY WRONG STEPS. TALK TO SOMEONE PLS.
I’m 17M and honestly meri jeene ki icha puri tarah khatam ho chuki hai. Kitta bada loser hu yaar seriously. 65.5% aur usme bhi Chemistry me RT. It feels like no matter kitni bhi mehnat kar lu end me failure hi banna hota hai mujhe. 9th se hi dheere dheere sab khatam hone laga tha andar se aur ab toh literally kuch bacha hi nahi hai. Na motivation, na hope, na confidence, na future ke liye excitement. Bas anxiety, pressure, fear, guilt aur self hate. Result dekha toh somehow control kar liya but jab dobara check kiya aur Chemistry me RT dekha na us moment laga ki mai sach me kisi kaam ka nahi hu. Everything inside me just died right there. Ab CUET bhi dena hai, NEET already dimag tod chuka hai aur honestly mujhme ab aur fight karne ki strength nahi bachi. Badi mushkil se khud ko force kiya tha ki chal ek last push aur de dete hai but ab books kholne ki bhi himmat nahi bach rahi. Har second bas guilt hota hai. Padhai karu toh dimag nahi chalta, rest karu toh guilt, phone use karu toh guilt, kuch bhi karu toh bas lagta hai mai apni life aur parents dono ko disappoint kar raha hu. Mere parents deserve better son than me honestly. Unhone trust kiya mujhpe aur mai bas unko stress aur disappointment deta raha. Last 4 years se bas khud ko isolate kiya, no friends, no going out, no fun, no memories, nothing. Sab log apni teenage life enjoy kar rahe the aur mai bas room me baith ke future bachane ki koshish karta raha aur end me wo bhi nahi bacha paya. Kabhi kabhi genuinely lagta hai mai mentally weak hu, broken hu, defective hu. Dusre log failures handle kar lete hai but mai ek result se hi completely toot gaya because maybe deep down mai already khudko hate karta tha aur ye result bas proof ban gaya. I hate the way I look, the way I speak, the way I think, the way I fail at everything even after trying. Har saal bas yehi socha ki iss baar better karunga but har baar aur zyada gir gaya. Ab toh khudka face dekh ke bhi irritation hoti hai. No one really knows kitna mentally exhausted hu because mai explain karte karte bhi thak gaya hu. Aur honestly ek point ke baad lagne lagta hai ki maybe sabke liye better hota agar mai hota hi nahi. 4 saal se bas survive hi kar raha hu. Living aur surviving me difference hota hai aur mai kab ka jeena band kar chuka hu. Ab bas body chal rahi hai somehow while andar se sab khatam ho chuka hai. Kal rahu ya na rahu honestly mujhe khud nahi pata because sach me ab mere andar jeene ki koi icha nahi bachi.