AIO I want to push my friend to leave her husband after catching up with her on the phone.
Not sure if my friend has reddit, but I'm posting out of concern and love.
TLDR: friend's husband is a total chode and I think she should scrap whole relationship or at least they need to attend severe counseling/therapy.
I 29 F and friend 29 F Sam (fake name) have been friends for over a decade. Our friendship has survived many ups and downs as well as distance. Sam moved states over 6 years ago and we keep in contact calling every so often to chit chat and catch up.
This past year has left our calls more spread apart as both our lives are pretty busy starting families.
A little background context my friend has always dreamed about being a wife and mom. She's the sweetest person I know and is a biscuit making hallmark watching angel.
I was ecstatic for her when Sam met her husband 29-mid 30's??M Frogface(should be his name) and they got married. She'd gush about how great he is and how life is going. They became pregnant very soon after their marriage which everyone expected and welcomed. They have a beautiful baby.
Nothing seemed amiss until a couple months ago over a short call Sam mentioned Frog face just started helping with the baby and he hadn't gotten up during nights due to never hearing the baby cry. I thought it was a lil odd, but she said it was Ok due to him working and needed the sleep.
(Our communication around this time was very sparse as she was juggling a new born and I was trying to survive the first trimester of my own pregnancy)
We talked yesterday. I asked how her mother's day was since it was her first real one and she said honesty a little disappointed. Sam said all she wanted was for frog face to pick up ingredients for a specail dinner SHE was going to make and maybe a foot rub. Neither happened. This didn't immediately make me hate frogface but left a sour note. We continued chatting baby stuff. She said they are trying for another and I got excited for her told her she's brave for trying to have 2 under 2. Sam laughed and said her mom remarked she'd be happy for another grand baby, but not for Sam's situation.
This piqued my interest. Sam continues on about how frogface was during the birth. I didn't know these particular details, but knew my friend had a difficult labor having to shift from natural/holistic to emergency C-section. The main grievance I have during her story is Frogface grumbled when he was woken up by Sam's mom and MIL to join her as she was being moved to surgery. He wanted a cigarette and to have time to wake up. After a few moments of family members and labor team attempts to persuade him that its now or never. Sam says to drop it and her mom joins her for the birth. Frog face dosent stay at hospital and takes Sam's car. He ends up totaling it on his way home due to distracted driving with phone.
Sam also mentions that friends have told her they think frogface is emotionally abusive to her. Sam says he has poor emotional regulation and is quick to get loud and yell hurtful things. Seems like she's down playing it. On further inquiry she says "oh thats just what other people say." In all the time that I've known Sam I've never once witnessed her raise her voice or say nasty things about anyone. I'm upset that its happening to her.
I asked if they'd go to marriage counseling soon. She's on the more religious side without being obnoxious, but wants to help him "heal spiritually" to help him because frogface more so memorizes the Bible than lives by God's teachings?
I told my husband (31m) about all this last night and we conversed if our only issue was if he acted like frogface during the birth of our baby he'd no longer be my husband right then and there.
My worry is my friend would rather stay with this loser because she's against divorce, and the wife/mom/family path is what she's always wanted. I think she should leave him although it would be hard that she may be lonely for awhile, but she deserves someone who is actively invested in their life and shows that he cares.
It dosent sit well with me and I've been stewing on this since yesterday.