[Complete] [88k] [Fantasy Found Family] The Child From the Dunes--The story of a peacock-boy slave and the hunted mage who adopted him.
CONTENT WARNINGS: Mild gore, slavery, mindfuckery (towards a character), and first book syndrome
*Blurb: Ravot had long consigned himself as the last of his order. That was, until he met a young slave boy, desperate to find his place in the world. But the life of a Mystic is hard–constantly hunted by those that all but wiped them out a century ago. Is the lad really up to the task? And could Ravot really bring another into the life he has suffered so much for?
The book is frame as a kind of "story within a story", where a powerful prophet tells a tale, later annotated and noted by a second author, adding a bit of complexity to the narration.
“Are you aware of what is happening?”
The child shook his head.
“Those aitlea merchants, the bastards they are, stiffed me out of my gold and left me with you. You are, by the law of the desert, my property.”
The child shuddered slightly, as a chill ran down his spine. Ravot recognized this, and felt disturbed. He was not used to people fearing him- seeing fear in their eyes perhaps, but never the irrational, full body fear you would bestow upon a monster. Quickly, he made an effort to soften his features, and put on a small smile. In truth, that didn’t help much. Ravot wasn’t a man used to smiling, and his attempt was far from comforting.
“Don’t worry about it too much, lad,” Ravot began, a bit rougher than he would’ve liked, “You won’t be doing back-breaking work, or anything.” Then he tacked on, “unless that is what you desire to do,” and paused for a long moment. In the dunes, it was considered somewhat rude and ignorant to ask someone their profession outright. You were expected to observe them, or ask another about it. Ravot thought of a way of tactfully asking, but eventually eschewed formalities. “What was it you did when you were owned by those merchants?”
If the boy was offended, he didn’t show it. He said nothing, and continued to look forward.
“Can you even speak?”
The boy began to move his head slightly, before stopping completely. This was not the answer Ravot desired.
“Don’t know, do you?” Ravot asked, maybe too forcefully.
The boy moved back, as if he expected to be struck.
Life must’ve been difficult under his former masters, Ravot thought, shaking his head.
Quickly, Ravot switched to a blunter and more direct manner of speech, more common to the common folk of the dunes. “I’m not going to hit you.” Ravot said, matter of factly. “That’s not something I do, nor is it something I expect you to do to me, understand?”
The boy nodded vigorously. He seemed to be quite thrilled with this prospect, though the over exaggeration of the movement belied his lack of trust in his new master.
“Good. Now we both agree on something.” Ravot paused momentarily, thinking of how to phrase his next statement. “Since you can’t tell me what you used to do, by choice or otherwise, I’m going to give you a list of tasks you can do for me. After all, you do need to somehow make up the 600 or so those merchants owed me.”
A loud burst of merry laughter could be heard from the bar below. It seemed the merchants had won a large sum of money, gambling what they supposedly didn’t have.
“Damned pricks,” Ravot mumbled under his breath, while waiting for the noise to die down. He’d get them back, if he ever got the chance.
When it at last became quiet enough for his voice to be heard, Ravot continued, “You’ll be helping me out in whatever way I see fit for the next few days, before I can find somewhere that’ll take you in.”
The boy gave a dumbfounded expression, and a gleam in his eye. Fearing that this was some recognition of weakness, Ravot adopted a harsher, though still friendly, tone.
“Don’t think you’ll be fully getting your freedom just that easily though! Wherever I drop you off, you’ll spend a portion of every day working on some task I give you. Probably finding people who need some work done… discreetly. You’ll work at a wage of about half a gold per day, taken directly off your debt. After that, you’ll be free from my service. You can stay with whoever I leave you to- if they’ll have you, of course- or strike off on your own. I truly do not care. Assuming you work every day, you should be out of my debt in around 4 years from now. Got it?”
The boy nodded once more. He seemed much happier with his prospects now that there was a chance for freedom, however far away it might be. This pleased Ravot, even if it were all theatrics. The happier this lad was, the less chance he’d slit Ravot’s throat in the night.
“Now, for your first job, I want you to go fetch me a meal first thing in the morning, while I think of anyone who I have a debt to settle with who might be willing to watch over you for a while.” Quickly he added, “If the barmaid can’t understand you, just point to the back, then your mouth. She should get the gist.”
The boy looked at Ravot for a moment, then nodded.
Ravot gave an over exaggerated yawn, and stretched. “Now I’m going to sleep, and I recommend you do the same if you wish to rise before I do. For tonight, you can sleep on top of this.” Ravot took the nicest of the few thread-bare blankets that littered the room’s singular bed, and threw it on the floor. Feeling somewhat guilty, he added, “This will just be for tonight. Next place we stop, I’ll make sure to get a room with two beds.”
Wordlessly, the lad scrambled on top of the blanket, wrapping it around himself. As he closed his eyes, his face spread into a small smile.
Ravot stayed awake until he heard the child's breath become rhythmic, if a bit raspy. After taking a long draft from a flask, Ravot too fell asleep. Periodically, he’d wake up, as was sometimes his habit, each time finding the child securely wrapped in his little blanket, and sighing a breath of relief. There would be no attempts on his life that night.
* I'm looking for any sweeping issues/plot holes, mostly. Character consistency stuff, too, though that's less of an overall concern, as that's been a huge focus of my last draft. (I've done a ton of editing passes, so at this point, I feel like my eyes are glossing over a lot of things, so please point stuff out, even if it feels like it should be obvious. Also let me know if you dislike/like my style. I feel like I go too unserious at times, and ant to know if that's a major turnoff, or just "pratchet-esque"
Please get back to me in a month or less, please.
The Novel will be shared in ~4 parts, via google docs, supplied as you finish them. Please give me feedback as you finish each part.
*Available to swap for short stories in a similar genre, or books of comparable/shorter length. Also outlines, pretty good at ironing those out I think. I have a lot of experience in pointing out tropes/weird implication stuff (pedantism) so you'll probably end up with that kinda feedback. Might be a little slow as I prefer to read in print and am in the busiest month of the year at my day job.