u/ChestOrdinary4635

The last dude I dated was an artsy/hardcore/punk dude that proclaimed he was a feminist and loved that I was a “strong, outspoken, confident, driven woman”. BUT… upon further reflection, I’m better seeing some weird patterns and I’m just wondering if anyone’s found themselves in similar situations. There were a few situations where I felt that female intuition, gut feeling that something was really off, but it was confusing to me because my ex would insist on being a feminist/supporting women.

He would also pride himself in being “just a nice guy, just wants to be a loving partner”. The “nice guy” bit is something that I am now seeing through. Because he loved me being a “strong woman” until I set boundaries or expressed needs he couldn’t meet, then he somehow found a way to make it feel like I was being “too much” or unreasonable.

When I would be in situations where it was my ex, his guy friends and their girlfriends… it felt like the conversations and banter would only carry well between the men. I noticed most of the women seemed to not really share their opinions, were very agreeable and quiet. I’m not shy and I’m quite a jokester, so I would try to join in the banter but time after time it would just fall flat. They were hardly inquisitive about the women at the table. It felt the women were just there as accessories.

Another strange moment was when my ex’s best friend said to me “Obviously I believe women who have been through horrific things. But what do you think about the sentiment of ‘believing all women’? There’s been many women who we’ve found out have lied about accusations and they’ve ruined people’s lives/careers…” I tried to have a conversation about why that doesn’t sit well with me. TLDR I tried explaining that just because a few women may have other motives/lied, I’m not about to start questioning women in general, hell no. We’re so beyond used to being questioned, belittled and gaslit, I’m trusting women from the jump until I hear it’s incorrect. That’s what’s been the case for men for decades. It was clear he just asked so he could just give his opinion and hear himself talk.

There’s many more examples but I don’t want to ramble too much. A few times i brought up stuff that made me feel uncomfortable with m ex or his friends in ^ this sort of manner. My ex got defensive and was would say things like “You know I’m not like that, how could you say/accuse me of that?”.

I wish I would’ve trusted my gut sooner, I knew something didn’t feel right. It’s got my brain feeling so confused to be told one thing but actions clearly show another.

My partner and I have been trying to set goals to move forward together in life. Early in our relationship he told me I needed to integrate him more in my life. At one point he said I needed to learn that in committed partnerships, I would need to learn to chose my partner over my friends and even my family sometimes. That was a hard pill to swallow because

1. I’m middle eastern, my family only exists because they survived a genocide and there’s a lot of “we’re all we have” energy that i grew up with. (that often extends to my relationships with my friends, may of whom have felt like family to me over my life.)

and 2. I thought I had a good understanding about that balance. Previous to this relationship I had been with a partner for 4.5 years and we had a solid balance on our relationship and also our relationship to ours and eachothers families.

But, I was open and to his critique so I tried to show him I would prioritize us more through action.

We had discussed moving in together for a long time, but we lived and worked in different cities so it didn’t make sense for awhile. Recently I got offered a job that was close to his home, so I consulted him about taking it if he was ready to live together. He said great & I decided to take it so we could finally move forward and in together.

He (37M) lives with roommates & always told me that when the time came for us to live together, he would tell his roommates to move out because he wanted us to live in his apartment and he had been there the longest/felt he had seniority there. During the entire relationship, I was clear that I didn’t want roommates (for both physical health—chronic illness/autoimmune disease for 20 years & mental health reasons—severe anxiety & depression). I am much younger than him & I have my own apartment, which I work hard for because it’s worth it to prioritize my health and it’s made a huge difference in my health.

Initially I said maybe I could live with his roommates for 6 months-year so we could save money, but the more I thought about it.. the more I was stressed out at that thought. My partner and his roommate are very close, but they also have a very tumultuous and codependent relationship (his therapist even pointed out the codependency, and my partner recognized it too). I was so afraid of how this dynamic would bleed into our everyday lives.. for the sake of our relationship and my health, it just didn’t feel worth it to compromise.

So I told my partner I would rather not have roommates and maybe he give them a 3-4 month notice to move out or 4-6 months, or we even find our own place if he truly can’t face this discussion with his friend.

Basically throughout this conversation the goal post got moved from one thing to another, all avoiding the actual conversation:

1. My partners roommate essentially corners me when my partner is sleeping in his room and asks me what we’re planning to do because he heard I got a new job in the area. I tried not to be bothered by it but thought it was weird because my partner told me he had communicated the plan of me living with them for 6 months-year with the roommate the previous day. When I told my partner it happened, my partner freaked out at me and told me I should’ve never had that conversation without my partner in the room. When i tried to discuss us having his roommate move out instead of us all living together, I suggest maybe 3-4 months or 4-6 months of a heads up for his roommate to find a new place. he won’t even address it because of how mad he is about the conversation.

2. then my partner gets mad at me for suggesting we “kick his friend out” so quickly, and keeps telling me that I have no understanding that my actions have consequences to his friends life. I say I am aware his friend will have to go find another place and that may be uncomfortable but I am puzzled why his roommates comfort is prioritized over mine. He keeps telling me it’s not but is so mad that I am being so inconsiderate of his friend.

3. 3 ⁠My partner then starts to only focus on how we are fighting and the way we’re getting so upset at eachother. I am admittedly very upset because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get my partner to prioritize us over his friend, or even just discuss a reasonable timeline for his friend to move out. I really am trying my best to be as empathetic to his friend, yet also prioritize our relationship.

The irony of being told I need to prioritize our relationship over friends and then this happening… I just feel so disoriented. The goal post just kept seeming to move and I’m not saying it was even conscious on his part but my oh my has it been a mind fuck. Has anyone else had something similar happen? What did you do and how did you move through it? Either with or without that partner…

for those who made it to the end of this insanely long post, thank you🙏🏼

I used to travel alone A LOT in my 20s, hardly ever felt anxious about traveling. As I’m getting older (now I’m in my mid 30s) I am feeling more anxious about traveling alone, and it’s weirding me out. Quite a few of my other girlfriends have noted the same thing happening to them.

Anyone gone through this and what were some things you either did to help ease your anxiety or just reflections you’ve had on it?

Is this just a new season in life, am I going through some growing pains of getting older?

hello boston printers! i’m doing a quick trip out to boston and it just hit me—i should see if there’s any printers or shops around that would have me for a studio tour/some good ol’ nerding out over print haha.

i’ll be here 4/30+ morning of 4/31 and again on 5/4.

My partner and I got into a big argument recently and one of the parts he was most upset with me about felt very influenced by patriarchal norms/gender hierarchies.

So, we needed to have a conversation with his roommate about moving out because I was going to be moving in. To be clear, this was the original proposition from my partner and I agreed I’d like to live in his apartment too.

My partner told me he communicated it to his roommate and it went well. Then the next day, the roommate asked me about it when my partner was not in the room. I gave him the same answer/plan that my partner and I had agreed on. Which I will say, felt weird because supposedly my boyfriend had already told him the plan the day before??

When I told my partner about this interaction, my partner freaked out at me. He said he was so upset because it was so inappropriate for me to have had that conversation without him in the room. While there is a part of me that can sort of empathize with that… there’s another part of me that thinks “Wait, if my partner can relay this information… and I’m asked for the same exact information… why is it okay for my partner to answer without me in the room but I can’t answer without him in the room?”

The reason I feel even weirder about this is because my partner has specifically told me that sometimes he feels our relationship is “too parallel” and wanted us to feel more like a team. In this context—my understanding of the team dynamic thought that me communicating information we agreed on (that he’s already shared) would fall under us having equality on the team. Because we’re on the same team, what’s the issue with who says what?

Okay with all of that information… I’d love some insight from fellow feminists. I’m trying to learn from this moment. I want to trust my instinct and knowledge about this feeling rooted in patriarchy and misogyny but I am open to other perspectives! Thanks in advance 🙏🏼