I have a real problem with fear/anxiety in general. But when it comes to arguing with my partner, it’s a whole different level of anxiousness. I have the world’s greatest partner; kind, funny, good looking and sweet. He is not much of a communicator at times and often this results in me panicking. I’m dyspraxic but not in the popular, sweet and endearing way…in more of a couldn’t speak properly till I was 6 and had levels of coordination/cognitive impairment till much later on. Also, didn’t have a boyfriend till my 20s as a result of this. Haven’t had much self confidence wholly because of diagnosis. Also, aligned to my diagnosis, I’ve had issues with my weight and felt unattractive for most of my life. I don’t want pity, I would love some shared thoughts/experiences.
In an argument/conflict (which happens a bit more as I pay the rent and bills at the moment, my partner is launching his own business) my partner disengages and doesn’t respond. At times, this leads me to go into a panicked position. I start asking him to “say something” and this is met with more silence. I think I just fear the silence and read it as rejection. I have had a really bad stomach recently, and my panic attacks are getting worse. I usually get very scared and sob uncontrollably. Tonight I doubled over and had a full panic attack. Tears, sobbing and genuinely embarrassed myself. I find it so embarrassing, My thoughts are often so stupid, I cannot believe I have them. Would love some pointers as I’m just about to go back into therapy. I don’t want to have this fear anymore about being rejected or left due to my mental condition….