u/Chemical_Guitar_3921

About a week ago me and my boyfriend were having sex (not penetrative) and it didn’t feel nice and I was tired so I said I’d like to stop. I was so tired and it was very late so I started to fall asleep. After like 10 minutes of trying to fall asleep I was barely awake (that kind of awake where you are kind of conscious but Cant force yourself to move) he asked me in a whisper if he can Finnish in a condom. I said mhm after the second or third time of him asking (because it didn’t make sense what he was saying at first) and he started jerking him self off and lifting my shirt and grabbing my breasts. I didn’t think he would touch me but after he did i just kind of let him. I didn’t say or do anything about it. I would have never agreed for him to do that if I was fully awake because my mom was walking around the apartment. After he finished he said “I feel disgusting” and then I fell asleep. After I woke up that was the first thought in my head. I felt disgusting, the day prior we had a conversation about how I am not comfortable to do anything sexual because he always wants to take it all the way (and I haven’t came once 2.5 years being together so I just don’t see the point and also because of Christian guilt) we haven’t had penetrative sex in 3 months because of other problems in our relationship i just don’t want that. It might be worth to mention that also when we used to have sex often a year ago or I only wanted rough and “non consensual roleplay sex) but I did tell him that I don’t like that anymore. Anyways i told him how disgusting I felt and he was so casual about it until I almost started crying then he started bawling and apologising (he always does that) he told me he would never have done that if I said no. I calmed him down and comforted him until he fell asleep and the next day he was fine again like nothing happened, but I still feel disgusted thinking about it. Im not sure what to do I feel like I lost control of the only thing I had left in our relationship. But I was still not fully unconscious so if I didn’t say no and just let it happen and even said mhm im not sure why I feel so disgusted if I let him do it verbally. A year ago this would have been fine for me but because I’m uncomfortable with sex with him because of other problems this was hard.