Paranoid or overracting?
Apologies in advance for the long read.
My husband (35M) and I (34F) have been together for almost 9 years and married for almost 4. About a year ago, he told me he’s also attracted to men. He made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship with a man or anything serious, and I was okay with that. It was definitely a surprise after being together for 8 years, but we worked through it, and I reassured him it didn’t change how I feel about him. I love my husband.
But ever since then, I’ve had this lingering fear that it’s not just men.
I hate admitting this, and I try really hard to fight the urge, but I can be nosy sometimes. I’ll get the urge to go through his phone just to calm my paranoia. There are always photos in his deleted folder, usually pictures of himself showing a little more than anyone besides me should see. I’ve also seen dirty websites and emails about OF subscriptions. The websites themselves don’t bother me too much because I’m guilty of that sometimes too.
I’ve never noticed suspicious transactions from our bank account. He mainly handles the finances, which I’m okay with because I’m honestly not great with money. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, bills are paid, and our child is taken care of, so there aren’t any serious financial issues.
I think it’s mostly my thoughts spiraling. Thoughts like: “Am I not good enough?” “Is he talking to someone else?” “Is it more than just getting off?” “Is he going to leave me?”
Our sex life is kind of all over the place. Sometimes it’s multiple times a week, and other times it’s once a month. Part of that is my low libido, and part of it is these lingering doubts in my head.
The thing is, I *can* talk to him about this. He’s always very reassuring and tells me he only wants me, that he’s happy with me, and that I’m his whole world. And honestly, he shows it too. He rarely tells me no unless it’s something completely unrealistic lol. Sometimes these conversations leave *him* crying, not me.
Most of the time, I can push my thoughts aside. I tell myself that if he truly wants someone else, he can leave. If he’s unhappy, he can divorce me. He’s going to do what he wants regardless, and if there’s something I need to know, it’ll come out eventually. Sometimes that mindset helps me let it go. Other times, though, it’s really hard to ignore the thoughts.
So why do I feel this way? Why do I always feel like he’s sneaking around or hiding something from me?
Any advice would really be appreciated. Thank you.
PS. I go to therapy and he is on board with couples therapy but doesn't think we need it.
Tl;dr found out husband is into men as well. Feeling like hes talking to women as well. Thoughts of not being good enough or he might leave. Husband tells me he only wants me and is happy with our life. Advice on how to manage these fears and rebuild trust in myself and the relationship