Situationship
I’m still f*cking my ex girlfriend. We broke up because it was difficult navigating my separation/divorce while with her as my ex wife hates her guts and withholds the children because of it. It was a lot to deal with and in it I hurt my ex and ultimately things didn’t work out, however.. I’m still in love with her/want to be with her. After we broke up she began dating and messing around with others. I have been single and only went on one date where I told them I was uninterested by the end of the date and hooked them up with my sister (no lie they’re actively dating now) lol. After a 6 month break of not seeing eachother (we were still in contact though) we linked up. We’ve had sex a few times now since I’m back in town but we’ve had the conversation of her fucking other women and she said she isn’t currently but isn’t going to be exclusive to me as she’s single and is working on herself and not worrying about a woman. Ok cool.
She wants to be friends. I told her well then I definitely don’t want to fuck her anymore. She said she’s fine with that and that she really just needs a friend right now. My response was “you have friends.” Now honestly I’m starting to annoy myself because like she’s clearly moved on or even if not to another woman just from me in general. I’m genuinely heartbroken by this and have decided to ghost her. I don’t want to cause she would be upset by this. I have tried to cut her off before and she always just says we’ll be fine and all that and convinces me to stay in contact with her. I don’t think I can be friends with her as like most people I need no contact to move on but I do love her as a person and we were friends before lovers and it’s honestly what makes this so hard.
Everything flows between us and it’s so reminiscent of just US that the love flows right out for me and I’m just right back to loving and wanting to be with her. She does the same but she sticks to “it’s not gonna work it is what it is.. I’ll always love you but it’s just not it for us this lifetime. I’m focusing on loving myself right now so just please don’t love me I don’t want to be loved.” And honestly. I would love to be a friend to her but I love her. I can only love her in that way. The way she doesn’t want. She’s often telling me “stop looking at me with those eyes” but I can’t. Im crying typing this out because I can’t believe I’ve lost her. She’s the one who got away for me and she’s still so close even though she’s so far .. it’s like we were never what we were. I don’t even know what I’m actually asking or saying to yall LOL . I already know I have to stop talking to her. It’s just… I can’t even imagine it. But I also can’t imagine seeing her love another. I be so angry when she’s talking about her dates and everything like this just isn’t a healthy relationship for me right now all I do is yearn for her and cry that we aren’t together LOL like girl get yo sh*t together 😭😭😭😭 and what’s worse is my son absolutely loves her.
As we speak I’m at her house with my son. She’s at work. She gave me her car keys after I offered to uber home.. kissed my son on the forehead and went to work. Told me I can leave whenever I want and just lock the door. I’m thinking ”this is relationship shit right?!” Or am I being crazy cause I want it so badly to be something that it’s not???