u/CheesecakeClear2684

Ok so basically one day I woke up with this awful pounding in my chest and like paranoia in a way. I walked to my bathroom and was actively gagging the whole time. I tried to walk back to my room, couldn’t stand so fell to the floor and crawled. I tried to hoist myself into my bed and passed out. When I woke up the first time I was violently convulsing with my neck on my ottoman and couldn’t move or scream, almost like I was trapped in my own head. I was only aware for a few seconds and the next time I woke up I just laid there and sobbed. I didn’t know what was going on or who to call. I then fell asleep for like 5 hours and spent the next three days feeling like I was in a constant mix of exhaustion and brain fog. I had bruising all across my neck from it rubbing/hitting against the ottoman and severe bruisinf on my arms and like the side of my chin that made it hard to move my mouth. At the time I was too scared to tell anyone and thought I was wrong and that I was making it up so when my friend brought me to the hospital hours later I didn’t say the seizure part but did tell them about passing out waking up sobbing and everything else. They noted in my chart I was ill-appearing, pale, and had swelling in one spot on my head so I may have hit it. I have an appointment with my neuro but it’s another month away. How likely is it that this was a seizure? Have any of you ever become aware during? I’ve never heard of someone having this, and while I’ve been told it could’ve been convulsive syncope, I’ve always had syncope issues and never had something like this happen to me.

I reported my ex raping me last September through my schools title IX department. I spent months killing myself mentally pushing through, taking insanely hard classes and working two jobs on top of the trial. In the room, they admit that I was asleep and that they believed by the definition of what title IX calls SA, what happens to me is that. And I still lost.
I feel like a burden to everyone. I thought the trial would be over and I would just be able to move on for better or for worse. But no, I can’t. It’s 1 week away from the 1 year of my assault, and I’ve never felt worse. After I lost the trial I went on antidepressants because I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. They helped for a while and now after 3-4 months on them it feels like they’re just not doing shit anymore. I go about my day anxious as all hell and then come home at night and am so depressed that i can’t function. I can’t remember the last time I felt genuinely fully happy.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so defeated right now. Multiple of my friends in the past few months have expressed that my sadness and stress is just too much on them, so now I’m just scared to talk to anyone. I feel like a burden and it’s all my fault for reporting it in the first place. I could’ve just dealt with one more year at school with them without causing all of this. And yes, I do talk to a therapist, but it’s hard to be this depressed and feel like I have no one to talk to about it without hurting them.
I wish I’d never reported this and I’d just given up. I only made my life and everyone else’s harder atp.