Processing Birth Trauma
I’m just about 2 weeks postpartum with my second and struggling through my birth experience.
For background, my first was very traumatic. I went through an induction that took >55 hours. I was able to deliver vaginally, but hemorrhaged and have limited memory of the delivery itself.
Fast forward to the birth of my second. I was told I’d need to be induced again. Thankfully I went into labor on my own the morning of the planned induction. My goal and heart’s desire was to have a spontaneous, unmedicated delivery - something in a sense I needed to be able to fully heal the trauma of my first.
I labored at home for several hours. When it was time to go in I told my husband on the way to the hospital, “there will be a point that I’ll say something like I can’t do this or I don’t think I can and I need you to reassure me that I can do it. Tell me I am doing it. Keep me focused”
That moment of course did come and instead of reassuring me and holding the line, my husband facilitated getting the epidural going without me actually wanting that. He didn’t hold up his agreement with me. I told him very specifically that I needed him to reassure me when I hit the “I can’t do this” moment - not ask why, not offer an epidural, just hold steady and tell me “you are doing it” “yes you can” because I did not want a medicated birth.
When that moment came, he went into first responder mode (he’s a firefighter) and orchestrated the epidural. It’s not at all what I wanted. My doula was put in a weird position because she couldn’t go against a spouse. She was under the impression I had wanted an unmedicated birth (true!) but when my husband went forward she wasn’t sure if we’d had a different conversation. On top of that the anesthesiologist administered fentanyl through the epidural leaving me feeling completely loopy, itchy, and just off. I don’t take prescription pain meds ever because I hate the loopy feeling and that’s the last thing I wanted during my labor.
So it’s more than “we don’t always get the birth we wanted”. I was let down by my husband. He did not even take the time to read over my birth plan, prep for how he could support me in labor, and at minimum didn’t follow my wishes that I’d expressed the day of on the way to the hospital. I told him explicitly that I needed him to step up this time around because with my first he really did no prep work. This time was no different.
In his mind he was great. He was the first responder hero who took away my pain. I didn’t want or need that and I made that clear before the moment of intensity hit. I needed my husband to support me and hold the line, not rescue and fix things. So ya, it wasn’t the birth I wanted at all.
I’ve talked with my doula and she has reassured me that, unfortunately, my memory of how things unfolded is in fact what happened.
I’m getting stuck on feeling like I had it. I was so close to what I needed for my own closure and it was taken away by the person who was supposed to be my rock, my partner.
I know I’m in the thick of the hormonal crash, but this feels incredibly heavy. My husband let me down when I needed him the most. While this birth was night and day from my last, I am mourning the loss of not going unmedicated. I truly wanted an unmedicated birth and in a sense needed one for my healing from the birth trauma with my first.
It is very angering. My husband doesn’t get it at all and isn’t able to hear my perspective. His response has been that I’m being emotional, I don’t remember correctly, or I’m ‘just postpartum’
He’s also unilaterally made a declaration that we’re done having kids. He started that during my pregnancy without a discussion. I’m not saying I for sure want a third, but I’m also not sure that I don’t. So that piece makes it all feel much heavier and like I’m grieving a much bigger loss. Like this was my last chance to have the birth that I needed.