My MIL and FIL are not people my husband and I would choose to spend any amount of time with if they were not family. They are really judgmental towards others, have a nervous energy that’s hard to be around, they were emotionally abusive and very manipulative during my husband’s childhood and they gossip about everyone. Due to several factors around work schedules, health problems, living a state apart, etc we’ve recently gone low contact with his parents, not intentionally, it just sort of happened.
Recently my husband, Mark, disclosed to my MIL that we had an abortion five years ago. It wasn’t something he set out to discuss but she called him up ranting about baby killers one too many times and he finally had it. In the moment she listened to him and was honestly better about it than either of us expected. He did ask her not to say anything to anyone else about it, especially within the family because it is our personal medical information and not anyone else’s business. She agreed. He also made it clear I didn’t even know they were having this conversation so it really needed to stay between them.
(Extra context: His family has always been very conservative and intolerant towards anyone who isn’t. I told him back when we had the abortion it was his call if we ever mentioned anything to his family about it.)
Not even a week later Mark discovered his mom told his younger brother everything. Neither of us were happy about this, especially because my brother-in-law had recently told Mark it’s my fault he is “so liberal and turned his back on everything his family stands for”.
When I mentioned this drama to one of my friends she asked: “have you ever considered going no contact with Mark’s parents?” At first I dismissed the idea because they aren’t evil, just unpleasant. Then I thought about how much our lives have improved since spending less time with them.
When I mentioned what my friend said to Mark his response was “this is what I’ve been saying”. I know he doesn’t love time with his parents but I didn’t realize how on board he was with not seeing them. We see them out of obligation while we both genuinely look forward to time with my family. I’ve really tried to feel differently about them but there is no common ground or synergy.
I feel guilty and like we need a list of unforgivable things they’ve done to justify not seeing them? This recent abortion thing isn’t that, it’s just the example that got me thinking. Are we horrible people if we opt out because we just feel better not having them in our everyday lives? I think very low contact might be what I’m envisioning? We wouldn’t refuse to speak to them & we’d be there in an emergency but would also not opt to see them for every holiday?
Sorry this is so long & sorry if I’m an ***hole.