I need to get this out somewhere very badly. I think I'm realising I really resent my brother.
I love my brother, of course I do, hes my family. But I've been pushing down this feeling for my whole life now and its finally starting to come out.
My brother has mental health issues. He has for as long as I can remember. He's a year older than me, and my whole life it has felt like I've been put on the back burner while he gets the focus. I remember in high school whenever I had an issue or needed to talk about something, it somehow always went back to him.
Fast forward to now. I'm just coming out of the other side of crippling ptsd after being assaulted by someone I trusted. I feel like I'm having to learn to be human again. I still live at home because for a long time I couldn't function, I didn't go outside because I was terrified and I couldn't see the point in living. I'm finally at a point now where I had therapy, I'm on medication, I have a job, and I don't think about it every second of every day. It was really difficult but I got there.
Anyway, I love my mum. I love her so much, she's my favourite person in the world. It's me, her and my older brother at home. But he still has terrible mental health issues, and because of this, the house is a tip. I get the brunt of my mums wrath though. I try so hard to stay on top of everything, but it feels like as soon as I do anything it's undone almost immediately. I do washing up and then everything is dirty again an hour later. I clean a room and its soon a tip again. Its so disheartening.
Recently my mum has been declared disabled and she has a chronic illness. Because of this, I've had to pick up the slack even more. On top of cleaning I've been trying my best to look after her. Its horrible seeing her this way. But I've been trying so so hard. However, because my mum can't talk to my brother about anything without him flipping out, I feel like I get the brunt of it all. I usually just nod and take it. Today I couldn't.
I've been ill for 2 weeks, it started as a cold and then turned into conjunctivitis as well as a sinus and ear infection. And then yesterday I started my period on top of this. My mum made an offhand comment today about always having to ask for help and never getting it. Told me I dont do enough. I think she was projecting my brother onto me again. I dont know why I thought it was a good idea, but I asked for a little recognition that I am helping and trying so hard. It didn't go down well and turned into a huge hour and a half long lecture.
By the end of this lecture all I could think was how much I resent my brother. How he gets all the attention, how he gets to sit in his room on the computer all day and do nothing, how he doesn't get shouted at, all of it. I go out to work, i come home, I cook and clean and nothing is different and somehow still a tip. My brain is scrambled and I feel terrible for feeling this way. But all my life I've come second to him.
I want to move out and get my own place but I live in a tiny village and it feels like everywhere available is either super expensive or like 5 bedrooms. I pay rent, bills, for food, etc at home and its a good deal. But I just can't stand the idea of being in this house anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating.
Im Just really struggling. I feel helpless.