I (30 F) and my husband (34 M) have been married for 2 years. We married about a year together. We will call my husband Jack.
Before I was with Jack, I was in an emotionally (and other forms) abusive and horrible on and off relationship with a guy we will call Andrew. Andrew had been accused by many other exes (specifically one we will call “Tiffany”) for awful things including posting revenge porn (this was an anonymous post and she is too afraid of him to go after him legally, says she doesn’t want to visit that chapter in her life again).
Of course, friends sent me this post detailing horrible things he had done, some of which I knew well from my own experience with him. I told Jack and he was shocked, mostly listened to me. However post was both very triggering and refreshing to know I was not alone, when Andrew made me feel crazy and I still seek therapy for some of what he did.
That being said, I decided to reverse image search my face out of curiosity to see if Andrew had ever posted anything of me. And it turns out he did. I am embarrassed, feel violated and depressed. I have screenshots and took down the links of what I found.
When I told Jack I wanted to see a lawyer about this since it’s a crime in our state, he told me he really didn’t want to talk about this. I told him I needed his support. Jack asked why I wanted to do this when Tiffany didn’t want to pursue him and why I wasn’t approaching this like her. This upset the hell out of me, honestly, because Andrew is still very much treating other women like garbage and I personally want justice, knowing he should be in jail.
I asked what the issue was and he was like “it doesn’t matter it’s on the internet now” and told me this made him uncomfortable. So I told Jack “hey well having my naked images posted online without my consent makes ME uncomfortable.”
We got in a huge fight. He referenced how I told him at 21, I was a cam girl for 2 months (which fyi was at the coercion of another ex, I was very young/impressionable but something that I own that I did consent to and something I am aware of DOES carry risks of being recorded, (though that is also subject to removal/copyright). Jack said I should be more concerned about that and “didn’t understand what the difference was since my body is already everywhere online”. NOTE: Most of my cam material also did not have my face in it or identifiers where you can find me, unlike the stuff Andrew posted which does. Also…. I told Jack about that before we married so it’s not like he doesn’t know I used to do that. I understand some people don’t want to marry or be with former or current sex workers. Believe me, we talked about that. He still married me. I never once knew he had issues with that. Not until now, where he’s saying “a lot of men say that’s a red flag.”
I was sick to my stomach and appalled. Btw, I have never found any of my cam days online- of course that’s not to say that’s not a possibility it could be out there somewhere and a bit of a concern of mine, but that was another very dark part of my life. And to weaponize something I did, though somewhat unwillingly, I agreed to that to vs. something that happened without my knowledge where Andrew, btw PROMISED he would delete any and all pictures (and maybe even some he took without my knowledge ?!) is NOT the same.
Jack said he didn’t sign up for this and wants a “normal” relationship.
I’m pissed off and feel like my husband is a sexist child. Should I really expect to navigate what could become a trial with the person I’m most afraid of without his support?
Edit: once again to clarify, when I’ve reverse image searched my face, he gets mad I’m doing it and has asked 5 times why “I’m searching with nudes of myself”and despite that, everytime, I tell him it’s my face that pulls a search. He works in tech so I feel like he’s choosing to be ignorant, also I’ve never pulled ANY cam content with these searches ONLY things Andrew has posted of me.