TW: CSA
So a couple days ago, I posted a question asking if past sexual traumas should be shared with a spouse. Im ngl when I posted it I thought I had a similar experience that many women go through but haha i suppose not.
Im sharing this for any further input and advice from you guys but also I think it could be useful for anyone in a similar situation.
A controversial part of the context of my question was that I still talk to the person who abused me and we have a good relationship.
Honestly, I thought that us being good with each other was a good thing. And here’s why
I wasnt r*ped- just to put it out there but i was still s**ually assaulted. When it happened I wasn’t scared, i felt weird but I cant remember feeling any negative emotions towards that whole event- it was just something that happened. I was incredibly young so I definitely didnt understand what was happening and only realised that it was wrong much later. Tbh i was quite dismissive that it happened my entire life until literally last november, and it gravely affected me. Tbh im learning of a lot more aspects about the whole situation- as in beyond spousal relationships- from the lovely people who have dmed and left comments. I normalised this relationship perhaps bc i was just trying to forget it happened. I engaged in a lot of self hating behaviours growing up and i never hated him.
I had some bad behaviours that were rooted from that event taking place. Most of my life, I never accredited it to that. I felt i was fully accountable for my actions (which i am) but I was incredibly harsh with how I thought and felt about myself. I never gave myself the grace I gave him.
Looking back and from an external pov, thinking of how I treated my younger self from an incredibly young age i just feel so disappointed bc I feel like I failed her.
Last November, I had read a book that made me crash out over this. I had a mental breakdown that I honestly couldnt afford given the time. Through it all, it was still easier to hate myself than hate him. I thought I cried all my tears over it, thought I got over it. My crashout made me realise where my bad behaviours stemmed from however I still dismissed what happened as a minor incident and nothing bad purely for the reason that I wasnt r-worded.
A couple days ago, a sister reached out and provided a cruel aspect that I never considered. This entire event was like a dirty little secret for me. Only I knew and God knew… but I suppose I didnt consider that he still remembered. And that he knows what he did. And he still has the audacity to be close to me.
I never thought of him as a bad person and I never hated him duh. But upon hearing that he knows, idk its sorta made me crashout again.
Ive learnt its not normal. And i no longer want to be invovled with him but i dont want to be so explicit with it.
I have two questions:
How do I distance myself with someone who I view as a brother?
Is it possible to actually forgive someone who did that to you?
Jazaakillah Khairan for all your help everyone and for being so kind when that wasnt the case all the time (i had someone tell me to stop complaining bc the sahabas went through much worse and for a time it made me hesistant to reach out, even anonymously haha. But i truly do thank you and ask Allah to shower you with blessings with how understanding you’ve been of me)