I need outside perspectives because my brain is exploding.
Some background first. My husband and his ex had slept together, he didn’t want a relationship, but he never clearly told her it was over and she had expectations. They have kids together. When he got with me and started introducing me into the kids’ lives, she took it really badly (she felt he had “cheated on her” with me even though they were never a couple) and refused to talk to him for an entire year. She knew about me through the kids (they call me by my name, they see me, he calls me babe in front of them, gives me gifts) but he never had a direct conversation with her about our relationship or our marriage. I think because of their past and he was too afraid of her reaction.
After a year of silence from her, she finally started talking to him again. He was so relieved that he basically did anything to keep things smooth with her. That’s the context for what happened next.
Over a year ago, my husband went to pick up the kids from his ex’s place. I tried calling him twice and he didn’t pick up. When I finally saw him, he lied about where he was. I had a gut feeling he wasn’t telling the truth but I let it go.
Yesterday I went through his phone and found WhatsApp messages from that day. He had texted her saying he was on the subway heading to her place and asked if he could come up or wait at a café until the kids were out of school. She said “yes come up, you’ll go after.” So he was alone with her at her apartment for at least 45 minutes before picking up the kids, and lied to me about it for over a year.(he was very sick that day)
When I confronted him, he admitted he lied but swears nothing happened. He said maybe he was napping on the couch and didn’t hear his phone, that they didn’t even hug or kiss hello. He offered to call her or go see her with me so I could verify.
Here’s the bigger context that makes this worse.
He hid our marriage from her for over a year. He used to take off his wedding ring before seeing her. She only found out we were married because I asked him if she knew about our mariage, he told me no she doesn’t and immediately called her to tell her, he had been avoiding that conversation for over a year. He said he was an asshole because he had treated her badly in the past and felt guilty. When he finally called her to tell her about the marriage, he came back relieved saying “she didn’t yell, she didn’t lose it”, like he was a kid reporting back to a parent.
He’s not a manipulator or a calculating liar. He’s home every night, doesn’t go out, is super present and protective, flies 3 hours every other weekend to see his daughter. He himself admits he has a problem with avoiding conflict just to avoid drama and says he needs therapy.
Last night I texted him I wanted to separate. He came over panicked, pale, couldn’t breathe. He begged me to reconsider, offered couples therapy, even offered to see his daughter less for me (which I refused, that’s not the issue).
I’m torn. I know he loves me. I know he didn’t physically cheat. But he chose to protect his relationship with his ex over our marriage for a year and a half. He erased me. And he lied to my face when my instinct was screaming at me!
?
A lot of comments are confused about the timeline. To be clear, my husband and his ex were in an actual relationship years ago and had kids together during that time. They broke up. After the breakup, they slept together a few times before de got together but he didn’t want to get back with her. So the kids are from their actual relationship, not from casual hookups. Hope that clears it up.