A few days ago, my girlfriend accepted a ride from a guy. From what I understood, it was supposed to be a simple ride, but it ended up taking around two hours. They went to print something, then he parked and talked to her for a while. During this time she was updating me, but I was anxious because I didn’t know him well, I didn’t know exactly what was happening, and her phone was about to die when he offered her the ride.
When she got home, we talked about it. I told her I was not comfortable with her being alone in private/unnecessary situations with guys, especially when the situation changes from “a ride home” into driving around, stopping, or sitting parked and talking. She apologized, said she understood why I felt that way, and said she should have just taken an Uber or removed herself from the situation. I accepted her apology. I went to her place that night and we moved past it.
Situation 2: the other guy
4 days later, while I was busy studying and not physically around her. She needed to print something and was trying to figure out where to go. She asked me where I thought would be a good place to print, and we eventually ended up going together to our friend’s place to print.
Later, I found out in one of our Chatgpt chats while I was busy studying that she needed to print something and was thinking about where to go but now the chat is deleted. One option she considered was going to another guy’s place to print.
This second guy is someone I already feel uncomfortable with for a few reasons. In the past, she told me he had crossed a physical boundary with her and made her uncomfortable. She also used to describe him as handsome and had entertained attention from him before, so to me he is not just some random classmate or neutral friend. Because of that history, I already do not see him as a safe or appropriate person for her to be alone with.
What hurt me most is that, while considering going to his place, she wrote that she would probably “have to not tell my bf” if she went. She also described the idea like part of her wanted to go because it could be fun / she could see his cat / hang out a bit, his place is a bit closer to her and more fun than going to her female friend's place but she knew I would not be okay with it.
It was not just “where can I print?” It seemed like she already understood this would cross a line for me, and hiding it from me was still something she was considering, especially after the 1st situation that just happened days ago.
To be fair, she did not end up going to his place. She asked me where I thought she could print. I passed by her home, and we walked together to our friend’s place to print instead. She also suggested that we spend quality time together afterward, and we did.
But emotionally, I’m struggling with the fact that if I had told her I was busy and couldn’t help, I don’t know what she would have done. It makes me wonder whether she made the better choice because she truly decided it was wrong, or because I became available and there was another option.
Even AI was trying to tell her that it is not a right decision in some sort of twisted way.
Why I’m conflicted
On one hand, she ultimately made the better choice. She didn’t go to his place, she didn’t hide it from me, and she involved me instead. I don’t want to punish her for something she considered but didn’t actually do.
On the other hand, I’m hurt that hiding it from me was even an option in her mind, especially after we had already been dealing with boundaries and trust. The part that worries me is: if I had told her I was too busy to help that day, would she still have chosen not to go? Or did the better decision only happen because I was available?
I also don’t want to become someone who overthinks every single thing she does. But trust has been hurt before, and when I see something like “I would have to not tell my boyfriend,” it makes me feel like my anxiety is not completely random.
What I need advice on
How do I talk to her about this in a fair way? I don’t want to accuse her of something she didn’t do, because she did not actually go. But I also don’t want to ignore the fact that she considered hiding it.
Also, I am pretty sure she assumes that I did not see the chats, and I know it will catch her off guard.
How do I separate a bad thought she didn’t act on from an actual trust issue? And what kind of reassurance or boundary would be reasonable to ask for here?
TL;DR: My girlfriend accepted a ride from one guy, which turned into a longer situation and caused a conflict about boundaries. We argued and talked, she apologized, and I accepted it. Later, I found out she had considered going to another guy’s place to print something and wrote that she would probably have to hide it from me, but she didn’t go and we printed at her female friend’s place together instead. I’m hurt that hiding it was even considered, but I don’t want to be unfair or controlling. How do I talk about this and process it fairly?