I (32F) feel paralyzed.
When I was 8 a trusted family member abused me over multiple summers. I told my mother at 21. I later discovered that she told a lot of people so I’ll never know who knows and who doesn’t know my darkest secret.
Still, no one ever even acknowledged it. My mother has repeatedly asked me to « forget and move on » and I’m not sure she fully believes me.
I’m 32 and I feel stuck. Unable to move forward, unable to go back. I am angry in ways I can’t even explain.
Time feels unreal sometimes. Days, weeks, months blur together, sometimes moving too fast, sometimes too slow. I forget things, moments, people. I don’t remember anything before 8 and only remember bits and pieces from my teenage years.
I have the hardest time just answering messages or calling back people who care about me and inevitably I loose them. Friends.
I’m lonely at my core but can’t seem to get attached to anyone. I’ve always been a romantic but I can’t find genuine interest in anyone. There’s a disconnect between who I feel I am and how I actually live.
The funny part is that I am highly functional during the day. I am known for my smile, I am good at my job, everyone like me. But the nights are really hard.
I’ve recently started trying to live more on my own terms, small things, like acknowledging what I actually like, making room for my interests, stepping back from always being the reliable one everyone leans on. It feels good for a while. But the darkness always seems to catches up.
I’m not looking for advice necessarily, even though I’d love some. I think I mostly seek to feel less alone in this. Has anyone found a way to start moving again when everything feels frozen? Does it get better, the darkness, the loneliness, the anger ?
I am sorry I didn’t want my first post to be thing long but words just keep pouring out.