Before I start, I do have OCD which makes it hard for me to differentiate facts and intrusive thoughts. We've been together 10 months, at the beginning it was great, until the 3 month mark we went to Leeds and decided on whim to go to a cocktail bar, i wasnt dressed for a cocktail bar and was drenched from the rain. We were sat in there chatting and drinking, but then I noticed he kept staring at a corner of the room behind me. After a couple of stares, i noticed he was staring at the waitress. Everytime she walked passed he immediately look at her back as she walked away. This hurt me instantly and i brought it up when we left in which he said "he didnt want some waitress". Moving forward, i noticed he was being weird with his phone, quickly changing tabs or coming out of apps when i'd sit next to him or approach. This unsettled me and I brought it up, in which he reassured me and showed me his phone. All was well, except, he continued to do it. I had already told him it makes me uncomfortable. Recently, i hit my breaking point as i didnt feel secure or safe. This man very rarely gives me compliments. I'd dress up and he'd say nothing. But when we'd go out, i'd notice him tracking someone behind be and i'd glance over my shoulder and sure enough, its a woman. Alot of the time theyre blonde and skinny (which i am not either) I flat out told him, it makes me uncomfortable. (Also to add, I brought up the phone tab switching a few times before and no change). He didnt apologize he just said i acknowledge your point and that hes not going to dismiss it. After that talk, i felt better as i was worried Id pushed him away or made him feel shit (also to add when id bring things up in the past, he'd shutdown on me and say nothing) This talk was 4 days ago. 2 days ago, he asked if i wanted to go out to check out a store that had opened up, i said yes and we went. We then went for a picnic after but I felt like something wasnt right. The vibe i had wasnt a good one but more awkward, despite him still holding my hand and whatnot. I also felt compelled to apologise for being difficult... we then went home and sat in the garden, he asked me about my old work days, as i was talking he was deep in his phone, i trailed off and stopped talking but it took him 5 seconds to say "yes im listening" in which i said he wasnt. He then said half of what i had but missed what i said at the end. He also made a comment of how he wishes I'd dress up more. He noticed my mood was off and asked and I was honest and said i felt weird all day and my head kept telling me he didnt want to be with me and I was trying to shut it up. (I'm aware this can be exhausting for the other party but I was in such a fearful state, I spoke out of fear) He also made a joke while we were watching tv that i was this certain character and he was the other one and that i was always picking fights. Forward to now, and hes being overly affectionate but has started taking his phone everywhere with him. So instantly, I'm now scared. My OCD has been really tough recently as I'm dealing with grief as my dad has stage 4 brain cancer and we had not good news recently. But things like this, are driving me crazy. I went to therapy recently and finished my sessions and was doing great, but its just come back all at once where I'm constantly anxious of what my boyfriend is doing.
Am I being irrational?