I (30s F) have a 15 year old daughter, Audrey. I’ve been her sole parent for basically her entire life. Her biological father, Tobias, hasn't been in the picture for over 12 years. He’s the kind of person who makes your skin crawl, but lately, I’ve had people telling me I’m being a "gatekeeper," so I need to lay out what I’m actually protecting her from.
Back in 2009, I got pregnant at 18. Tobias immediately denied the baby was his and vanished. I did the pregnancy alone, but near the end, he "suddenly knew" she was his and asked to be in the delivery room. I was young and stupidly said yes.
The betrayal started fast. The night before my grandmother’s funeral, I stayed at my mom’s house. Tobias stayed at my apartment with 6 month old Audrey. I found out the next day that he brought a 16 year old girl into my bed while my baby was in a playpen right at the foot of it. I kicked him out, but eventually because I was a broke 19 year old and scared of my sketchy neighbors, I agreed to move into his parents' house to try again.
That January, I found out he had secretly bought a bus ticket to Alberta to abandon us. When I confronted him while Audrey was in her crib, he snapped. He cornered me in the bathroom, screaming in my face. When I pushed past him to grab the baby and leave, he ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He charged at the bedroom door while I was holding our daughter. His own father, Samuel, had to tackle him to the ground and wrestle the knife away from his own son.
Tobias fled to Alberta, but I eventually paid for his bus ticket back so he could be there for her first birthday. Another mistake. We met at a store, and when I refused to let him sleep over, he looked at our one year old in her stroller and told her, "You’re probably not even mine, your mother is a slut".
He then retaliated by calling CPS on me with fake drug allegations. I passed every test, but in the court battle that followed, it came out that Tobias had his own history of allegations involving the assault of a minor. I fought for supervised visits. Eventually, my daughter started "white knuckle" clutching me and screaming whenever she had to go. She started showing behaviors no toddler should know, and when I asked where she learned it, she said it was what her dad did on their "adventures".
The final physical straw was when we met in public for a child support payment and he pushed me off a curb, causing an injury that landed me a one year restraining order. But the actual final interaction was on her 3rd birthday. Audrey’s sister was in the hospital, and I texted Tobias to tell him it would be nice if he called her. When he called, I put him on speaker so she could hear him. He didn't even say happy birthday. He just snapped, "I don’t have time for this stupid shit, let’s make this quick". My 3 year old heard that and just started sobbing.
Fast forward to now. I found out Audrey, now 15, has been talking to him on Facebook behind my back. I messaged him on Facebook and Instagram to tell him that if he wants a relationship with her, he has to have a conversation with me first so I can set boundaries. I also told Audrey she couldn't speak with him until he spoke with me. She relayed this to him and told him to message her after he talked to me.
He refused. He told her that he will not be speaking with me because he is in a happy relationship and he doesn't need my "manipulative behavior and toxicity" around him. He said he has no interest in getting back together so there is no need to speak.
He claims that because he is her biological parent, he has an absolute right to talk to her whenever he wants without my oversight. My family thinks I’m being a bit much and that "just texting" is fine, but I feel like I’m the only one who remembers the knife, the "adventures," and him making his own toddler cry on her birthday.
AITA for setting boundaries and am I overreacting?