Celebrating how far I’ve come
20f, can’t sleep bc manic rn.
I have been doing well this episode I have recognized the signs of my mania and not let it destroy me. I just went through a breakup recently I think that triggered it. I’ve stayed away from drugs, sex, toxic people, and self harm. I did do a big spending spree but stopped myself before I started spending my savings.
These things do not seem big but I promise they are. Most of my manic episodes before this resulted in quitting my job, relapsing, letting people use my body, going completely broke, embarrassing myself..
Now I have two jobs (both involved with taking care of the elderly) and when I’m stressed or scared or worried or angry I turn to positive things like baking or playing video games. Hanging out with my parents or my friends or sending them a text. Playing with my cats. Re learning how to do art like I used to love as a kid. I’m slowly starting to learn how to coexist and accept my disorder. Learning how to not use it as an excuse and not hurt the people around me.
I still am a long, long way from feeling okay, or normal, or stabilized. I am not receiving any professional treatment for this disorder due to bad experiences in the past. Most days are a struggle. But I feel more control, I feel more mature, and I am learning and growing.
I am going to continue to work my ass off. Learn to take care of myself. I want to get to the point where I am comfortable to accept and receive professional help. Maybe it will continue to hurt like hell but at least I am better than who I was a year ago and I hope I can annually say the same thing about my character for the rest of my life.
I don’t know if literally anyone will make it this far into my random testimony of “I’m still not doing well but now I’m learning to take care of myself” but if you have, thank you so much for your time, and if you play video games and you’re around my age I really want to game with cool people. So hit me up lol.