Yes, I know this isn't super serious. Yes, I know I'm over-thinking. But my straight friends won't understand and I need some besties-at-a-sleepover vibes to help me process this! Thanks in advance\~
I 30sF only realized I was gay in 2024. I came out to my spouse a year ago and came out to family and friends in February. For the sake of finances and our 3 young kids, stbx and I will continue living together for the foreseeable future. We have separate bedrooms and are working on de-coupling everything else. Everyone in our life, including our kids, knows that we are separated.
I have been on HER looking for "friends only" and it's honestly been going great. I make it very clear once I match with someone that I'm not in a place to start dating rn. I have several conversations going and have met up with a few people. All good and dandy. However, I met up with someone for the first time last weekend and, guys, I think I've caught FEELINGS 😭
This is my first real crush. All the crushes I've had on girls before went unrecognized bc I thought it was only admiration. All my crushes on guys were decisions I made bc it looked good on paper. I've never had a real, flesh-and-blood crush on someone and known it before. I can't tell if this is amazing or awful.
We've been texting almost daily for the last 2 months. We met for a picnic and our hang out lasted 5 hours. We have brunch planned for next week and the week after we are going to a drag event at a local lesbian bar, with drinking and dancing until I have to catch a midnight train home. I am so excited to see her again but I am also terrified I'm going to do something or say something stupid. Most people learned how to act around crushes in middle school, and I feel like I'm 13 all over again.
As I said, I'm not ready for a relationship. Emotionally I feel ready, but I know I wouldn't be able to offer the type of relationship she deserves. My spouse and I still share a car and since we live together I don't have designated kid-free time (though I'm working on getting that established) but even if I did my free time is very limited. Finances are limited. Hosting is impossible. Practically, it would be a mess. So I'm not looking for advice on asking her out or anything.
I'm doing my best to be as chill as possible. I'm not overly flirtatious, I'm not texting her more than I did before we met up, etc. But I'm worried as soon as I see her again my crush on her is going to be obvious. Her profile on HER also said friends only, so it wouldn't make sense to see if she wanted something super casual. Not to mention I have no idea if I could even do casual. I've never even kissed a girl. Ugh, but I want to kiss her so bad 😭 even the desire to kiss someone is foreign to me and idk what to do with it. I'm trying to repress it as much as possible, bc I don't want to ruin the friendship we have.
But maybe she likes me too 👀 I definitely assumed not, bc she hasn't said anything. But I also don't know what is considered normal in lesbian friendships either. So my brain is overanalyzing every little thing. When we were hanging out she said, "wouldn't it be funny if on our first da...hang out" (was she going to say date?). She asked me about my zodiac signs (is this a general thing, or is it only for compatibility?). Today she sent me an IG reel about scissoring (kinda flirty, right?) and then, completely out of the blue, asked me if I had a gay playlist. Then she sent me hers and it has songs like LUNCH and Girls and F\*\*k up the Friendship. My rational brain tells me that these are just normal songs to share with a baby gay, but my stupid heart thinks maybe she's trying to tell me something.
Please tell me I'm crazy and that all this means nothing so I can go back to seeing her platonically. I don't want to rush into anything or assume she has feelings for me when she doesn't. I know it's possible to be friends with people you're attracted to, but I have so little practice that I feel like I'm going insane. Do I just try to act as disinterested as possible? Do I casually mention I have a crush on her but won't act on it to clear the air? The only social scripts I know are heterosexual bullshit, so I need help.
She's so much cuter than her pictures, and she's so easy to talk to, and she remembers things about me, and she was very considerate when we were together, and we relate on things like family and spirituality and she is interesting and makes me feel interesting and I can't stop imagining what it would be like to wake up next to her everyday for the rest of my life.