My gf of 13 years, share one child with autism, has been texting a coworker. Friends told me it was wierd. I asked about it, and she began to gaslight.
This man is 50 years old. She is 32. She claims it was for validation, daddy issues and what have you. She was sending photos of herself in bras and fresh out the shower (no nudes). They never slept together according to her, and I do believe that part.
Since DD, we have had good, although brief discussions about the situation. The thing that is confusing, is the sex. So much sex. She is a new person in bed. Wants sex all the time. She used to cover herself up, not let me see full frontal, that sort of thing. We would sleep together maybe once or twice per month.
Now, she is suddenly open and comfortable, and the sex seems to have become incredible over night. We do it all, and the orgasms she is having are the kind you cant fake. Shes clearly into it.
When we talked, she said I always told her how attractive she was, but she didn't believe it herself.
She said that since all of this came out, and I'm willing to work on things, she finally gets that I really do love her and appreciate her body.
I found out 3 weeks ago, and we separated. I started talking to a new girl that was interested in me a few years ago, but I couldn't even notice her I was so in love with my woman. Admittedly, this new girl is extremely attractive. Great body, beautiful face and personality. She found out about her and her reaction was confusing. She became extremely angry and jealous.
The whole time she was moving things along with the other guy, I agreed to stay out of it. So long as he doesn't come to the house we shared.
I got off work one day and returned to the house. Outside were some giant planters I never seen before. I asked about them, and she danced for a bit before admitting this guy dropped them off. I blew up, screaming and yelling about how she promised not to disrespect me like that. She left. Ended up going to her job where he met her. According to her, they sat in the car and she cried, basically telling him she blew her life up and that things can't continue. She needs to be with her family and quit running from her problems. She returned the next day.
We have been trying to work things out, but I feel like so much is missing from her story. How did it start? Who initiated? Were the pictures requested, or you just send them unsolicited? They have been texting for months, but she swears it just started getting wierd when we officially separated. I have not verified. She says she developed a crush a few months ago, cause the guy paid no attention to her.
I just find all this so out of character. She is very shy about her body, always has been. To send photos like that to a coworker is extremely unusual behavior.
I should preface with the fact that she was sexually abused in a past relationship, when she was very young. I always understood that and never pushed her to open up.but I always, always, made sure I validated her. I told her she was beautiful all the time, even when she was at her worst shape. She had to know I loved her, I was fawning most of our relationship.
While im enjoying this new found confidence, it all feels forced. I feel stressed most of the time, pressure to perform (or she'll just leave me) self conscious about what that guy had that I don't.... its just a mind fuck. She dresses sexy for me now (never did this before) and pretty much wants sex 3 times a day. Before, we just never had time with work and our disabled son.... suddenly we do? Nothing has changed, she just makes time now, like we should have before. All this is great, but part of me knows we are avoiding the conversations. When I do bring it up, she seems bothered 1/5 times, and 4/5times she is extremely understanding. She takes accountability, and shes very strong on that stance. She messed up and doesn't blame me at all.
?
Basically im just extremely conflicted. I love this woman, and I want nothing more than to forget about all this and move forward with our new found sexual energy. Part of me thinks this is all just her guilt, and she is over compensating. We have realy not talked much about this affair. She promised she will do whatever it takes to make me feel safe. I just don't know what it takes. Part of me thinks I will begin to trust her again, and she will do all this again.
I know people say it all the time, but this girl and I really had something. We have been extremely close for all of our lives, barring our sons difficulties that have admittedly made it hard to foster a fun sexy relationship. We had the kind of love you see in movies, after 10 years together people could still feel our chemistry in public. Make eyes at each other and flirt, we were that relationship people envy. All this has completely blind sided me, and the guys age and general lack of conventional good looks have made it even more confusing. Almost feels like she saw her replacement, and decided to bail out on this new guy to work things out with me. If thats the case, she thinks of me as a possession.
How do I move forward? What sorts of conversations should we be having, and what behavior should I expect from a remorseful partner?
Should I demand to see thier massages? What sorts of boundaries should be implemented to allow me to trust her again? I'm losing full days thinking about this stuff, reading through forums and that sort of thing. The general lack of confidence people have towards working out after infidelity is frightening. We have been together all of our adult lives, and have a child together that is very difficult to manage without help from one other. I do feel there is something worth salvaging, though I fear the part of the relationship I appreciated most has died with this. I trusted her, she was very open about our love for each other and that made me feel secure. Now I know I'm not safe, and this can just happen anytime.
Any advice is appreciated, even the negative. I'm genuinely trying to make a choice so all input is helpful.