How do I stop mourning my father?
This is probably going to make me sound like a jerk, but I don't have much sympathy for people who regret their kids. Yes, I acknowledge this could have everything to do with my own daddy issues.
When my dad was alive, he would periodically tell the three of us we weren't worth having and threaten to leave. He never followed through, though. In fact, he'd forget he ever said it.
Only to start up again just because something didn't go his way. Once, I almost killed myself at the tender age of 13 because of these remarks.
I ended all contact with him three years ago, after he held one of my brothers at gunpoint. Ironically, he took my cutoff hard. Hard enough to say he would spend all his money on coins so we wouldn't have anything to inherit when he died.
Now he's dead. My mom and brothers have recovered all his coins and are slowly selling them off. And I'm still here, picking up the pieces.
Jesus, what am I crying over him for? I would rather have had no father than have him.