I need help. Im a (31-nb) that's been with my partner for over 2 years (52M). I have BPD, I've been working through my symptoms in therapy for years. But the black and white thinking and feeling only big feelings are still very troubling. I'm splitting on my partner right now. I don't like him right now at all and that's not fair. I just don't know what to do. He's visiting a friend(~50F), they dated he was in love with her, there were mentions of living together. This was his relationship was right before we got together.
I can't tell him he can't be friends with her, that's controlling and I don't want to be that person. I've worked so hard not to let my symptoms go unchecked and I don't want to be a stereotype. I know my reaction and feelings are unreasonable. I'm self aware enough to know that. But holy fuck. I hate her, I hate talking about I hate when he sees her, I just UGH. I've told him several time that she makes me feel insecure about our relationship. I've told him that I think she's a better choice than me and I'm convinced he's gonna realize that she's the one he wants and leave.. Both have been divorced, both have grown or basically grown kids, they have great careers, around the same age and every time he's with her I don't any connection from him, I'm not asking for a full conversation. I'm asking for a "got here" or an "I love you". I feel invisible when he's with her. He's seeing her all day on Saturday and I'm angry about it. I know I won't get anything texts. It feels like he doesn't think about me at all when's he with her. We're technically in a poly/open relationship but really have only been with each other for over 1.5 years now He's casually mention they've been taking about casually dating. Even after I told him how I feel when it comes to her. I want to mention that she's mono not poly. I told him I couldn't deal with that. I wouldn't be able to handle the fact that Im right, that he doesnt think about me at all when's he's with her, that they're perfect together and I was just a mistake or second place or did he just settle because she broke up with him? It's dumb, it's unreasonable, and it's not fair to inflict my insecurities on him, especially in a mean way. But my visceral reaction is rage. Not annoyance, not frustration or upset, I'm talking hair pulling, plate throwing, screaming mad.
But I didn't do any of that, I'm not a monster.
But I got off the phone earlier than I was planning because I just couldn't control my feelings and I was being passive aggressive, which I hate being. But I couldn't stop it. I had to go. I genuinely want him to have friends, I want him to go out and have fun.... just not with her. Literally anyone but her. I can't keep feeling like this every time he sees her, not only am I rude but after the rage fades I feel guilty. So, so, so guilty. I feel like an asshole for being so upset, I apologized to him and told him I have to think about my reaction and figure something out.
I would never tell him to stop seeing her, that would be terrible. I genuinely mean it when I say it's his time, he can spend it with who he wants to, but she makes me so insecure and anxious and my reactions are unhealthy. I've sobbed, felt rage, screamed, vomited out of anxiety. It's not ok. I love this man I want to spend the rest of his life with him. I know he loves me, but I can't let go of the feelings that I have for her. It's very typical for BPD to have issues with emotional permanence and when he's with her, i genuinely feel like all the feels he has for me fade. I'm very convinced of this, it's like heart break every time.
His friend has made comments about not wanting to be a " den mother" when he was with his other ex. She thought that we would flock to her and be annoying, she didn't want to be around 30y/o. Which is crazy, I've never had an interest in meeting her. She left him after the I love you, after talking about living together and having a life together, then just broke up with him, basically because she was afraid of how much she loved him.
He's started seeing her weekly now and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it, i dont think he's cheating on me or having a secret relationship. But the quote my partner told me literal months ago I can't get over: "I could steal you if i wanted" lives rent free in my head. On loop. It's never ending. I feel so disrespected, and she disrespected our relationship, she very clearly thinks im a phase or our relationship is a joke and it's so fragile she could easily ruin it if she wanted too. He told me he thought it funny or something, I don't remember honestly. It made me so sad and hurt when I realized he didn't tell me to make me aware of it, he really thought it was funny or something. He didn't tell her she couldn't steal him or tell her to stop disrespecting me or our relationship. I can't continue to over react. It's not fair to either of us. How do I get over disliking her so much, so my partner can have this friend without me ruining his night?