Years Of Guilt Tripping Finally Got To Me Today
I dont usually post anything at all on reddit but i cant really take it anymore today so i finally decided to let it out here today.
I am 18M, i cleared my 10th standard in 2023 and got into a diploma in CSE right after that. I have also been working as a freelancer for over 4 years now, i had my first paid internship locally when i was in 10th standard itself. Infact, I can pay for my diploma fee all by myself, i managed to buy a really high end laptop for myself all in like 2024 jan itself without asking a single ruppee from my parents because i cannot really ever take the regret that i have made my parents spend so much on me.
I scored kinda average in 10th standard (i was a failing student till september, infact scored 64% in pre boards but performed considerable well in boards, 80.4%) and since it was difficult for me to get admission in diploma, infact coincidently, i got the LAST SEAT in CSE. So it was kind of pure luck or gods plan you can say.
I have been working hard day and night for the past 3 months. I didnt do any awaragardi at all, i slept for 3-4 hours, at max 5 hours even on weekends just so that i could learn as much as i can (practically) i worked with 2-3 different clients at once, while handling my college pressure as well as maintaining my scores. Infact, last semester, i scored 89.9%. I even teach my college juniors, i have formed groups which i lead in order to teach them practical work, help them explore the field better since i have been working and have some decent experience. I dont really go out much, mostly movies with friends sometimes or recently i have started playing basketball so after basketball, before going to gym i sometimes go to have somethink to drink (not alcohol ofc) with friends and talk about life and shit with them and all. Except this time period, i am glued to my screen, always trying to better, trying to score better.
Now, All that i have said above is just so that you guys know a bit about me.
today i had a huge argument with my dad. till now, no one in my family has beaten me even once. They havent even slapped me even for once. But whenever i made a mistake, whenever something wrong happened on my end or dad would be angry, he always, always kind of tortured me... Mentally not physically. He would say bad things about himself, how he is at fault, he would even start hitting himself in order to make me feel guilty and this always worked. I have cried more than i should. I have apologized more than i should. He may not have beaten me physically but mentally i have been always so tired and kind of scared of him. He even threw my computer out after 10th examination just because some argument happened between him and i was playing video games so he just threw the whole goddamn computer and i couldnt work for weeks (though he got it fixed later and even apologized but this is how he has been treating me when he wanted to yk.... discipline me)
Today, he cherry picked a very small topic, he asked me to do something, while doing the task, i have a habit i would criticize things and talk to myself about it because... well dont ask i have always been talking to myself just as a coping mechanism you can say. I was working on what he said, and i said something. He escalated that topic, soon it all turned into a heated argument. To the point that i could not take it anymore. But i kept my cool and basically just ignored everything, apologized and things... kind of settled down. 15 minutes later, he said some things that were basically to trigger me again because for him, until i cry, apologize a thousand times and HE GETS CALM, its not over.
He triggered it again, i couldnt take it anymore. I went up to him, asked mom to go out of the room, i locked the room and started lashing out. I counted every single time this thing happened. Every. Single. Past incident. that i could remember.
Since i gained consciousnesses, everything that he has said to me, that he did to himself in order to guilt trip me, all the bad words he said to me in order to guilt trip me, make me feel bad about things and all, i said it all that i could remember while adding a few things here and there. I took his own example and... i became like him. I started using foul language for myself in front of him, said bad things about myself in front of me. Basically, i started doing things and behaving like he would when we were in an argument. Mom knocked, i ignored. He tried to stop me, i ignored. he apologized, said it wont happen again but idk why i couldnt stop. i kept on letting it all out. Eventually, he again started talking about self harm. He started threatening me and started looking for anything to hit himself and harm him in front of me so i would stop and he could have the control once again but i knew this would happen. I did it before him. I started hitting myself. Hit myself against the wall, the bed, the almirah, hit my head everywhere multiple times until i started bleeding. He went back to normal. Stopped how he would normally behave and things were calm from his side but i was not done yet.
I finally gave an ultimatum. From today onwards, i would not talk to any of my family members, NOT just him until or unless they have some work from me or I have some work from them. I wont sit with them, i would basically be like a naukar. He tried to manipulate me out of it but i stayed put. I have now stopped talking to everyone in my house.
My mother cant say anything in front of dad as she is also shit scared of his this behaviour. Same goes for my grandma and grandpa.
Before you guys start commenting, he is actually a very good person. Its just i couldnt see my father hurting himself because of something i did or something i said or whatever. Hence, i had taken this hard decision and have taken a step back, i would stay alone in my room, i wont talk to anyone regarding anything except when they want something or whatever. Its like i am exiting from their lives while supporting them since they are still my parents and stuff.
I know, i know most of the stuff i said above might not make sense. And its because i havent really been able to put it in words properly. Its because it goes a long way and the post would become even longer than this and i dont really wanna type anymore. i wanted to rant and tell someone and i did that.
I am now second guessing my decisions. I wanted to commit suicide today itself. I even told him on his face today that if because of this behavior of his, if i did something bad to myself, dont say that i was weak or scared of life or i couldnt fight anymore. It would be because u had left me no known option or path left to take. But then i decided i would rather try distancing myself first.
Sorry for the rant idk if this post suits here or not, idk if all of the above makes sense or not but its something that has happened to me and i didnt had anyone to tell about it rn and if i didnt, i would not have been able to sleep and would have kept on overthinking on this.
TL;DR: 18M, diploma CSE student + freelancer since school. Been working extremely hard for years while balancing studies, clients, teaching juniors, etc. Had a huge fight with my dad today because of years of emotional manipulation/guilt-tripping during arguments. For the first time, I lashed out and broke down completely. Things escalated to self-harm from both sides. I finally decided to emotionally distance myself from my family and now I’m questioning everything. Just wanted to let it out somewhere because I genuinely felt suicidal today.