I still miss the hell out of you sometimes, I can't deny it. I'm strong enough to not give in but you still lay firm in my mind. I wish things had gone different, I wish I was in a better place to understand what was happening instead of interpreting it as a worse case scenario. I wish I had gotten help for my issues long long ago because I don't know if we would have remained together but I know we would have been good friends. What I did to you was unfair and not deserving. What you did to me broke my heart so so much. We used and hurt eachother so much because of the issues in both of our lives and we used eachother for excitement and entertainment to make ourselves feel better. It started on bad terms and it ended on worse terms. We don't talk. I can't look at you when I see you driving and I know you can't look at me either. I'm sorry for how all of this went and I know you are too despite telling myself you didn't care. I'm sorry for the last week and for how cruel I got when I found out. I know why you couldn't tell me, I know you wouldn't of known how I would have reacted to it. It's okay, I don't dwell on it anymore. I lie to myself that I don't miss you and that I don't love you anymore but it's not true and it's never going to be true. I've accepted that we will probably never talk again and I can live with that and move on. But it will never change the fact, despite it all you were the first person I truly fell in love with and even with everything that happened, the good times we had still set the bar so high that it's hard to actually try again with someone because they are simply not you...
I don't want to lie to myself anymore about it and you.
My thoughts of you aren't about what happened between us anymore, I just think about your goofyness, your teasing, your laugh, your warmth, your smile, your hair, your breath, how your lips tasted, and how secure and warm you made me feel each time you held my hand or hugged me. Taking the time to talk to me and be there for me when I needed someone. showing me all those horror movies. Letting me show you Harry Potter. I'm sorry I was so in my head that I disregarded all the good between us and only left the bad. I'm sorry that I never took a chance to think ahead and what actually could have been if I had reacted better and handled things better.
I'm always going to hope you are doing okay and that you're happy. I'm always going to remember the goodtimes and how you made me feel.
I love you Mackenzie and I always will