u/Cautious_Captain_632

My night was kind of a bust and I'm depressed.

I (31m) went to go check out my town's only explicitly gay nightclub ( I live in a fairly small Midwestern city) and it was closed. It's a Monday night and I get they might be closed because there's not much business but they could have at least said that on their website, (Google said they were open) or had a number I could have called to check. I work most weekends so going out when they are supposed to be packed is usually out of the question.

I ended up going to this other bar that advertises itself as gay friendly online but felt just like a regular dive bar in person. The bartender and the people there were nice and I got some free shots but otherwise my night was kind of a bust. Meeting men online is depressing but meeting them in person feels impossible sometimes.

I go through a lot of gay reddit threads where people tend to paint with pretty broad brushes on most subjects and one theme I see pretty often is the notion that if you're unhappy being single then this is indicative of a lack of self esteem or of self love in some respect and while I definitely think that can be true, and that it is important to find ways to be fulfilled that don't require another person I don't think wanting consistent companionship is an automatic indicator of a lack of self love. Self love is very nuanced and personally for me fluctuates throughout the day most of the time.

I have times where I am more or less content with my situation and other times when I want more. I think that's pretty normal for most people, and I think people tend to want different things at different points in their lives. I agree it's not good to obsess over finding connection if it's not happening organically but I also think it's unproductive and kind of condescending to tell someone who is unhappy being single to just "love themselves." You can love yourself and still get lonely, and still want someone in your life, and even the most stoic master philosophers aren't going to totally fulfilled with all aspects of their lives at all times.

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I'm (31m) probably far from the first gay to express fatigue with dating or hookup culture but I'm gonna do it anyway. Well maybe hookup culture is kind of a loaded term in this context because hookups themselves can be fun, exciting, and convenient when they go well but I would personally trade it in for a guy I could kiss and cuddle with in a heartbeat if I could. I'm an affectionate person, I want to give my love to someone in a romantic way. I don't want my entire love life to just be a series of awkward impersonal encounters with strangers, but most of the time that feels like all there is and it's depressing.