I finally ended it, and I’m hurting…
I won’t go into the whole story, it’s all in my post history and it got much worse between my last post and now. I finally ended things with my partner a week ago today. He moved the last of his stuff out this weekend (aside from some stuff he left behind on purpose, idk why). But I had to choose better for myself.
Long story short, I caught my now ex engaging in online sexual activity back in September of last year. I sat on it for about two months before I directly confronted him, to which he lied until I asked for his phone and showed him exactly what I was talking about. I mean, dude was on local hookup groups on Reddit our entire relationship, Discord “porn swap groups”, found he was sending nudes of his ex and himself to people, “gooning” with others online, stalking women he knew IRL on Facebook and Instagram, stalking his exes on those same platforms and Google. SO MUCH PORN DAILY. Hundreds of saved nudes from god knows how long, some people he had relationships with, some idk who they are. Found out he has/had a Grindr account and hooked up with a man he met there three weeks into our relationship before he moved to my city. He doesn’t know everything that I found and hasn’t to this day fessed up to those things. He said he was doing better, but never reached out for a therapist, and wanted to use mine. Initially when I thought he was just dealing with a porn addiction, I said yes after a few sessions I’d be willing to bring him in to work on us, and he could have his own sessions with her alone to work on his stuff. But this last week when he asked if he was going to this session with me I said no, and he flipped his attitude towards me in a negative way. Like he was disappointed? Maybe he knew I was actually done this time.
Despite my cries to him about how much this hurt me, he continued to do it but got better at hiding it all while saying he wasn’t doing those things anymore. The last straw was when I went to a therapy appointment last week, with a therapist I connected with to deal with this betrayal he caused, he did it again, and lied, denied, tried to gaslight me about it. I told him not to come home, he tried to fight me about the fact that he lives here too until he found somewhere else to live, but magically found a place the next day?
I am the one who broke it off because I not only saw that he wasn’t working on himself or our relationship, he actually wasn’t the person he portrayed himself to be. He plays “the nice guy” role, but I suspected that all the stories he tells about his exes screwing him over were just him telling me what he did to them, but saying they did those things to him. I confirmed that recently, for sure I was correct.
So why do I miss him? I miss his kisses, his hugs, the passion we had for each other, cuddling at night in bed, the sex, the connection he manufactured, but I felt was real. The inside jokes, the daily routines, all but the anxiety I miss. How can I miss something that never truly existed? He lied about who he was from the beginning. Maybe he did actually love me, who knows? But I can also confirm that he is already attempting to bait other women this same way on Instagram, just a week after? Already back on Discord and he only used it for one thing…..We were together almost two years. Why do I miss a person I was madly in love with, when he never existed?