It's weird to call her my "best friend" having only been talking for a little over 6 weeks, but we clicked immediately over shared interests, similar world views and compatible personalities.
A lot of context:
We met for the first time through a university group chat, and since then we've been talking every single day for hours, staying up until 3am multiple times just for our conversations not to end, we made each other playlists, studied together in the library multiple days in a row, played games together, taken walks together even though it's practically taxing, and had deep, vulnerable conversations about our insecurities, relationships with our parents and friends, past experiences with rejection, love, and life in general. And as a note, culturally speaking, this isn't something you'd do with anyone, let alone someone of the opposite gender. And individually speaking, she is the only person I was ever able to trust this much, the same goes for her, and we've both made it explicitly clear to each other.
I'm almost certain she is romantically interested in me. She remembers small details I've mentioned in passing, she's told her friends about me enough that they tease her about us, she described her ideal partner to me in a way that made it feel like she was talking about me, she's opened up to me about things she said she couldn't bring to anyone else because they always dismissed her, she keeps me updated on her day naturally without me having to ask, and she always comes back to matter what happens between us.
From my side, I always go out of my way to make sure she's included and taken care of, I do my best to show up consistently in both significant and insignificant ways, I pay attention to what she needs before she gets to ask for it, I've been supporting her through her darker times caused by academic stress, I've been honest with her about things I've never shared with anyone, and I've made it clear through both actions and words that she genuinely matters to me more than most others.
Neither of us performs, what exists between us has always felt natural and mutual, it suddenly appeared and grew on its own without either of us forcing it.
Through conversation, she told me that she's never making the first move on anyone again. I told her that I can't make the first move no matter how many hints someone gives me either. Both of us made these decisions due to past painful experiences we had to endure.
Throughout the time I knew her, she spoke to me about other guys she talks to from our university, it wasn't an issue at first since my feelings haven't developed this far, but when they did, I talked to her about it. 2 weeks ago, I told her directly that I was jealous of the people she mentions to me, not because I'm interested in her, but because I want to spend more time with her. And she took it to heart, she reassured me about every other guy she'd ever spoken about, minimized her interaction with most of them, and told me repeatedly that I was special to her.
For a while, that was enough to keep me grounded, but it started happening again with my jealousy growing over the smallest things. I kept noticing comments from guys I wasn't familiar with on her old posts, I also noticed that she regularly talks to some guys in voice channels on some Discord servers. This does sound insignificant now that I type it out, but I can't help but feel this deep, ugly jealousy whenever I notice another person she's never told me about, whenever I see her spending her time and having fun with someone else, whenever I feel like I'm getting replaced.
I've been bottling all of this up because I didn't want to bring it up again, but it flooded right out of me when, a couple days ago, she allegedly forgot about our plans and instead spent her evening with one of those Discord guys I mentioned. She didn't reply to my messages asking her if she wasn't coming until she was done, which was late enough to ruin what we had planned on doing, and I had to sit there the entire time looking at them talking to one another in that public server. This jealousy I'm talking about isn't normal, it eats me up inside, it made scream at the top of my lungs, and it made me cry for hours. I know this is wrong, I know that I shouldn't feel this way about anyone at all, and I recognize that the intensity of my reaction was disproportionate to the situation no matter how justified I felt it was. I will be seeking professional help to get this dealt with as soon as I'm able.
That night I told her everything about how I felt concerning this. I told her that I didn't like what she was doing, that I was jealous of the people she spends her time with because of the selfish reason that she's the only person I like spending my time with, that I always prioritized her and went out of my way to make her feel special to me and that I expected the same, and that she was more special to me than I could currently explain. Though, unknowingly, while saying all of this I was indirectly telling her that it was her fault, and that she was the cause of what I was going through. It wasn't fair for me to put all of that on her so suddenly, I cornered her and made her feel responsible for something she didn't know she was doing, something that was only caused by my own issues.
She was profusely sorry, she apologized multiple times and reassured me about everything, even going so far as blocking that guy on everything, and telling me that I was indeed special to her. But I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong in her tone, like she was upset because of what I said, like I hurt her with my words.
It's been 2 days since then, our conversations (online) have been significantly slower, and the way she talks still feels wrong. I haven't seen her in person yet, but I feel like I permanently ruined what we had. I asked her if something was wrong and asked if it was something I said or did, but she claimed that she was fine and that nothing I said really hurt her. This same situation happened before, and my suspicions were correct when she finally told me what I did wrong a couple days later, though this time I'm afraid she won't be able to come clear to me about it. I know how sensitive she is, I know how easily she carries guilt, and I know how hard she can be willing to deny that something I did had hurt her. I can't help but worry about her now.
I don't know what to do, we had planned to study all day next Monday, and I'm afraid she would make up an excuse to cancel it now in an attempt to bring our friendship to a halt. I love her and losing her like this will be devastating. Even if I can't have her as a romantic partner, she's still the best friend I've ever had. I've always had a problem connecting with people with all of my friendships being surface level, not really anything more than acquaintances, and she was the first person to show me, in only 6 weeks, what a real connection can be and how fulfilling it can feel.
I don't how I can save our friendship if that's even possible and confessing feels like the worst thing to do with our situation feeling this fragile.
Question:
What's the best course of action now? Does she need distance or do I need to continue showing up in her life as I have been doing? And is there a way to mitigate the harm I might've caused her?
TLDR: Been talking to my closest friend whom I only met 6 weeks ago, almost certain we have mutual romantic feelings. I developed jealousy issues over her interactions with other guys, bottled it up until I couldn't anymore then told her everything in a way that inadvertently blamed her. She apologized but something feels off in how she's been talking to me since. I'm scared I permanently damaged what we had. How do I fix my mistakes and can I save our friendship?