This is not my home
I am a male 21 year old man and this is my first reddit post. Everyday I wake up, go to work, socialize. Im having a lot of fun in this life. I have a lot of friends, men and woman. I have a safe home. Im fit and smart and people describe me as empathatic and caring. I remember very few people that would even say negative things about me. And Somehow I still feel like I dont belong here on this world. I see the other humans and find them extremely different to me. I can find similarities or a passionate topic with anyone I speak with, but none of it defines me. When I speak with person A, I hate Thing A, but when I speak with person B about the same topic, I love Thing A, and both would be completely true. I am what the person in front of me wants to see, there is nothing else that I represent. I am a mirror. Some people love that, few people hate it. If there is a depressed vibe in the room I will turn the room to a party, if the room is a party, Im the person making sure everyone is safe. If the other person feels stupid, then i am more stupid. If the other person is smart, then I am willing to learn. Everyone finds a purpose in my being. For some I am there to make them roll on the floor of laughing, for some people I represent discipline and respect, for other people I represent competetiveness. I became very good at understanding what the person in front of me needs, completely seperated from my own experiences and knowledge. I achieved friendship with the most hateable people, sing along with the worst human beings possible, but I would be never like them, because I adapt to needs without choosing a side, because that would mean me sacrifizing the needs of the other side. I have barely any character. I am only the person that you want to see. Thinking this, I tried my luck with relationships, because that is what any human being desires. I adapted, spoke the way they spoke, liked the things they liked, always were concerned about how they feel, how they are doing. Found out their interests and hobbies, tried them out, talked to them about it. Gave them specific presents that I knew they would love, the kind of presents that you would hold on on for years. All they said was that they were overstimulated by my kindness and empathy. I didnt understand it for a long time. It broke me, I fell in heavy depression and wanted to kill myself. I just didnt get it. But now I do: nobody wants perfection, in relationships, the partners should advance each other in life, like two puzzle pieces sticking together. But I dont feel this kind of feeling. I am a puzzle piece that can transform itself by choice. There is no real form, I am the piece that is left to solve the puzzle. That was the moment I understood. This world, this life, this existance, is not where I am supposed to be. I dont know where I belong, but it seems it is nowhere. I cannot feel more alone right now, all I feel is pain and isolation, even though I am circled with people who would give their life for me. I deeply respect and favor these people, for sticking with me, wanting to help me out, even in my darkest times, for helping somebody who is in fact nobody. Its not like I was physically alone for even a second in my life, Ive had my 15 minutes of fame, achieved great things that I am really proud of. Its just like everytime I feel a connection to someone, the next time I see them is way different, because the puzzle piece would have changed again. Now in 2026 I am okay and can live like this, because I trained myself to love challanges and love feeling pain, now all that happens to me only makes me stronger. I just wanted to let this out, because I think this is not normal. If you would see me on the street you would probably think: thats a nice guy! But everything behind my eyes desires this endless torture to end because there is only a deep dark hole. Thank you for reading my thoughts.