5 years
Tomorrow is 5 years since my sister died. It tore my family apart. We dont celebrate holidays the same way or get family pictures taken like we used to. It broke my mom. Its made it feel extra hard to have a relationship with my nephews because of the people that have custody of them. My sister asked our mom to join her and our dead sister's oldest at the graveside and release balloons, but not anyone else. It left me feeling like she didnt want anyone else there. Going there is hard anyway. It never felt like she was really there. Processing her death has been almost impossible. It had to be closed casket so it felt like just an empty box. Even carrying her to be interred didnt feel real. This grief has been so lonely. When she died I took the usual role in the family of the doer. I kept it together for everyone so we could plan everything and get it taken care of. Most of the time it just feels like shes on a vacation and unavailable but every now and then I want to talk to her and I cant and it fucking hurts. Her passing has made it so hard to cry. The whole "everything happens for a reason" is such shit. She had two boys to raise that need her still. She has missed so much. Seeing the way that grief has destroyed our mom is so painful. She loved holidays and had a light in her before that is gone. She doesn't like the holidays anymore when she used to go all out. She doesn't want family photos to keep at home anymore. She doesn't take care of herself the same way. It truly feels like a part of my mom died when Alyssa did. Its not fucking fair. Her youngest isnt allowed to talk about her or ask about her if he isnt with my mom and thats so fucking unfair. She died when he was a baby. I hate that he didnt get to know her and how much she loved him and that his dad fucking sucks and doesn't want him to talk about her. My nephews talk about her visiting them in various ways and I fucking wish she would visit me. I haven't had a visit since it first happened. She showed me she was okay and happy but I fucking miss her. It feels like theres a fucking scream stuck in my throat when I cry about her and it makes it so I cant breathe which also makes it hard to cry. Writing this is probably the most ive been able to cry since after she was buried. I used to be so mad that she died, and sometimes I still am, but lately im just sad. Im sad that shes missing her boys growing up and all the sibling milestones like everyone getting married. I dread turning 27 and older. Your not supposed to be older than your oldest sibling. I wish I could hug her again