Quick background:
I am in the US Army leaving voluntarily. I do decent by my job (non-combat), probably rate top third in my field, nothing to write home about, but nothing terrible. But, I hate the 'army life' part of the job, and the "what the fuck are we doing here man" part.
MODS!, there's a point to this intro: The DoD SHARP program.
SHARP is the Sexual Harassment Assault Response Program. It has had its missteps and mismanagements, but has made progress, please look into it if you are interested in what it does. It has legitimately helped so many survivors, female and male.
In recent years after Vanessa Guillen and the revelations of the military following that, it was reinforced with new regulations and resources. Commanders had NO say in sexual assault/harassment investigations now, which is a "duh?" development, but new. It validates male sexual assault victims every course because the courses emphasize the 1 in 6 men figure as much as the 1 in 3 women portion.
In my situation, I can't access that program, or I blow up everything for myself, as good as it is. If I use that resource before my contract obligation is ending this month, I may be involuntarily extended. I rather go to hell than be a part of this any longer than necessary, 17 year old me was STUPID.
REVELATIONS (NSFW):
I was sexually assaulted when I was around 6 let's say. I don't know the exact timeframe, I just know that my cousin still had a PS2, not a Xbox 360, and he was the one who did it. It happened in his room as we were supposed to be sleeping. He had bunkbeds with PS2 with JAK3 and CoD games on the bookshelf, but not Xbox yet.
Every few years, the flashes of memory and words I remember him speaking about not to tell anyone and to "suck it". That's all.
What little 6/7 year old boy who only thought of Nerf Guns, model trains, and picking through blueberry fields with his social worker mom who took off an odd Wednesday morning to drive there would come up with those lines of specific horrible information? I can't tell her, I'm her little boy.
Leave it to me to discover these memories bubbling out of the pot for the N'th time when deployed on night shift sleep schedule (day), during the "12 day war" bullshit, with my loaded M4 in my locker feet away.
REVELATIONS (NSFW) END^
"Spite the Army by living" keep me going, yeah?
If I go to SHARP (available not just for sexual abuse during service in active duty, but ANY sexual abuse, in regards to resources), my approved resignation gets pulled. Then, I get trapped in this festering "Reichswehr before Wehrmacht" military longer, I cannot do that.
If I go to 100% confidential (they lose their job otherwise) Chaplain, I'll probably get some Spotlight (2015) Catholic. Or worse, a Southern Baptist sort who was 'reborn' after his "I held a woman who I called Willy Pete on the village of after she died, we found no Taliban or weapons" moment. Men who are definitely not the Mr. Rogers type, nor willing to accept a male survivor. I'd take a Mr. Rogers or Desmond Doss type of holy man to confide in, I just doubt I'd get that.
I drink more days than I don't, my terminal leave is in a week. I never drink and drive, to hell with that type. I might have a really decent civilian job lined up, if I can keep my wits and my grandfather's Korea Rifle out of my mouth. I already inherited his furniture set, predisposition to alcoholism, and high blood pressure. I want it, (lol) but can I safely keep it? Fuck no.
My two closest friends who I grew up with in my neighborhood were girls. All the other kids including all boys were middle school or older when I moved in as a second grader to find two girls my approximate age. We tore up our shoes, swam in above ground pools, and got mud all over ourselves for the next decade. We grew up together, they shaped my world, and I still text them, and we snail mail with correspondence. I wonder often... how much is my immediate believing of Survivors my empathy and objective evaluation of circumstance, and how much "as a man" is it because I also experienced it? I like to think my humanity is why, but society scares how we groom our men to be, it cannot ONLY be because I also suffered. No way to know, I was assaulted before I could conceptualize sex or what a vagina was. My two best friends just had pony tails and were very fierce (loved them for that).
I just want to live and get help, and I'm trapped until private healthcare or VA (if that even exists for me).
(USA! USA! USA!)