u/Cat-Woman4848

I (18f) was a cheerful and carefree girl who always wanted to stay single, no relationships, no drama😌. I didn't even had close friends. But I was okayy.

I was very happy with my own company, in my own world.

I loved my Solitude so much🩷.

Then two people came into my life. Both were online. With one person, the conversations were mostly surface-level and casual. But with the other, the connection felt more emotional and a little deeper. No romantic feelings involved. Somehow, both of them triggered something in me. I started feeling like my independence was being smothered🫠. At the same time, I didn’t want them to go away because I genuinely enjoyed their company.

Now I’ve cut off both of them, and I am feeling guilty. I keep wondering, will I always be like this?

Was my solitude actually loneliness in disguise😕?

I know it was not the people, it was the attention and affection. The wanting of closeness and diatance at the same time, the push-pull feeling is terrible😖.

I am feeling so guilty and my mind has been heavy and full of noise since few weeks. I want to get back to the peaceful version of myself I was before all this emotional noise🥹🥹.

I (18f) a cheerful and carefree girl who always wanted to stay single, no relationships, no drama😌.

I was very happy with my own company, in my own world. Then came a dm in reddit. I usually doesn't reply to dms here. Even if i did , it will only last for a day or two. But this one lasted 2 months, a month in reddit and a month in Snapchat.

It was all okayy. Casual chats, good morning and good night wishes, sending each other snaps of food etc. But then suddenly I started to feel suffocated. I enjoyed the company but I felt like it is smothering my independence. Or maybe the fear that I will get attached to this person.

I cut him off 2 weeks ago. I gave him a closure. But now I am starting to overthink and overanalyse the whole situation. Whenever his name or the things he used to say is mentioned anywhere, I will remember the whole chatting experience.

No romantic feelings involved.

I am having a sort of void in my mind. It was not the person. But the attention and care.

I dunno what's in my mind…guilt?

Was I overreacting?

Do I have some sort of attachment issue?

Will my hyper independence affect my future relationships?

Or was i just lonely all along?

So I have really bad anxiety issues. Tomorrow I have an exam. I can't bring myself to study. I feel so blank and drowsy. It just feels like theres a lot to study, which is not true. I have already studied many portions but I think I may go blank. And i can't open my book due to anxiety🥺🥺🥺.

Even if i started studying, I will think that I may not be able to complete it and all and i am losing the focus. I am just wasting the time by overthinking... The subject has theory, some derivations and mostly numerical problems.